“I see. I’m sorry then,” he said.
“Now you’ll remind me that I cannot marry ostler boys, that I must bear a royal heir for Sameer or destroy the future of our nations. There’s likely some misplaced value on chastity in there, I assume.”
“It is not misplaced,” he pressed. “It’s-”
“It’s gone,” I told him.
“What is?”
“My virtue, Ser. In case that wasn’t evident.” I stood taller.
“I see.”
“It’s gone; I gave it to Willem, despite your best efforts to destroy our connection, and I’m not sorry for it. I’m glad it happened. I’m glad it’s his.”
“Alright.”
“Alright? That’s it? It was the only time I’ve ever felt human, Eli. Not shuffled across a board like an object, a pawn.”
“You’re not a pawn,” he said. “You’re the Queen.”
“PawnsbecomeQueens!” I yelled. He straightened. “Don’t you remember the rules, Lord Commander? Youtaughtme how to play this game.”
He lowered his head, breathing carefully. “Your Majesty…”
“Tell me you’ve known where Willem has been this whole time! Tell me that for six years, every time I begged you to find him, every time I sobbed over how theymutilatedhis flesh for touching mine, every time I puked because I could not stand the sight of burning meat, you lied to me! You chose my father’s side!”
“Not your father’s, myKing’s, as was my oath!”
“You chose Miss Hellveig’s side,” I corrected.
“No. No, I was protecting you.”
“Protecting me?” I asked. I threw the journal at him. He dodged, barring an arm like a shield. “Likeher?”
“Do not compare me to that woman or to your father!” he cried. “I am neither!”
“You’re right,” I croaked. “You’re right. You’re neither. That would be far too horrible for their perfect memories! At leastthat womantold me of her wrongdoings to my face! You coward!”
“Svana, please,” he said.
“All of you, all of youmengo on and on about what you know to be goodforpoor little Princess Svana, but never once do you stop and ask what I want! WhatIthink is best! Hellveig was right to hurt me. If it doesn’t hurt, you don’t learn, do you?”
“Svana,”he said faster.
“You all expect me to lead a country but not to think for myself because God forbidthe womanhave a real chance to decide anything important!”
“I am not prejudiced of your sex,” he said. “Had you been a son, I would have guarded you the same.”
“No, you would not have.” I floated toward the window. “You have always spoken ofmyvirginity and its importance. Never once did you speak of the boy’s. Youpaidmy Willem off. You saw him to Chalke. You hid him. You helped him change his name so that I could not find him! You lied to me. You betrayed me! Why? You think I don’t know, but I do. It’s because there was always the risk that I would finish what I started. Do you see how gross that is? Do not let the Princess be with the man she loves; do not let her find the man who makes her feel like more than an end to a means; a horse to trade! No. She doesn’t know what’s good for her; let’s play a traumatizing game of Hide and Seek until she hates herself so irrevocably that no one will ever fill the gaping hole that’s left inside exactly where her heart should be! There! That will show her! Howdareshe feel anything for anyone not preapproved by our explicit counsel!”
He took a second. He said, “It was not about keeping you apart. It was not about your chastity. I shielded a young man from a life of humiliation. He could not stay here after what happened—you know how people talk.”
“Oh, yes,” I said, bobbing my head theatrically. “I do know how they talk, don’t I? I know all the whispers, I’m afraid. How many secrets do these walls contain, my friend? I bet I’ve got them beat. How many times have I heard the story of The Ostler’s Boy and The King’s Iron by now? I think that I’ve lost count, though every year it gets worse than it was before. Once, I heard my former maid saythatIhad planned the whole ordeal. ThatIwanted to scar the boy because it brought me joy!”
“She said that? Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked.
“To what point?” I argued. “To get rid of her? They all already think you murdered Miss Hellveig on my behalf. Should I enlist you every time someone hurts my feelings, Ser? No. I am the King’s iron, after all, and iron does not shatter.”
