Ridiculous. Silly girl! Idiot!I thought. I pressed my fingers to my temples, self-vowing to beat whatever madness had mutinied my brain within an inch of its life by morning. Then,through brutal, self-deflating, would-be scenarios, I punished myself for growing so close to the Sword.
What if my Willem appeared and confessed he’d waited his entire life for me?What if he asked we run away–forsake everything and everyone, forsake Mr. Evergreen? What if Mr. Evergreen took my panic to heart and re-declared himself to Miss Swift while I daydreamed about ostler boys who could not care less for my pity party because if they wanted to they would?
“No,”I begged myself. “No, stop.”
No fantasy was optimal. Each left me devastated regardless of what choice was made. I could not fathom giving Mr. Evergreen away, I could not fathom losing Willem. I couldn’t even be happy for him–I didn’twantMr. Evergreen to marry Miss Swift! I didn’t want him to dress fashionably and be the talk of the ton, nor love the way she made him feel or give her a chance to be more than what she’d been before their split! I wanted him to be miserable with and without me, like he was before he had to allude tofeelings! I wanted him to take back his distinction between sex and love-making and then never speak of it again, then to take it to his grave, just as things had been going! I wanted toignorethe fact that I did feel, deeply, and all-consumingly exactly what I could not let him say. That I adored his cruel humor and that if I had control over everything, I would remain in his stupid, beautiful companionship forever!
“Why would he say all that!” I whined, pacing through the dark chamber like a maniac.
A tear streaked my cheek and I felt royally stupid. Stupid for clinging to the idea that Willem, wherever orifhe was, wanted me, and stupid for being a sad sack of sadder potatoes, that could not stand up to her governess when it mattered most, and stupid for silently praying that Evergreen would choose me overa life with someone who could give him more–an affair over a chance at happiness!Real happiness.
Idiot! Why would he?
“No. It's better this way,” I told myself. If I severed the binds, cauterized the wound, and left him with nothing but a memory, he might survive, and if I did it quickly, he might not loathe me forever. We could be friends. The past wasalwaysrosily-tinted when re-examined–even the most horrific images I kept were mere shadows of what hadactuallybeen.
I couldn’t let that happen. I couldn’t let them mar his perfect skin–his perfect soul. I wouldn't!
I crawled into my bed and drew the covers over my face to cry. Then I fell asleep and dreamed only bad, bad things.
Chapter 17
By morning, admittedly, sleep had reset some of the insecurity enough that I could weave myself together, somewhat, I thought, to apologize to Mr. Evergreen, and even try to salvage our friendship with a distinct plan to disconnect romantically.
While Willem, I was still convinced, was my soulmate, he was gone. Perhaps forever. And Cyrus was… there. Here was there, and he was kind; he was damaged like me–a soldier who understood duty more than the Prince that I would marry, and I… I missed him. He was not mine; I had not lost him, and I didn’t want to, but our dangerous gamehadto stop. It was the only way to protect him.
First, I needed to apologize. Then I needed to end it. But to do that, I needed to see him before we had an audience. I needed to explain to him why and that just because I could not let him say certain words, didn’t mean that I wasincapableof or did not feel them for him, just that they simply could not exist.
I needed to acknowledge and explain my trauma to him. To admit that I had failed as Queen already, and I needed to hope that he would accept me regardless of breaking his heart because Mr. Evergreen was my friend, if he was anything, andfriends apologized to each other when they made mistakes. They explained their reasoning.
I opened the door to leave but then I found Josie. She was in her maid’s uniform, nothing pretty, nothing meant for dates with knights or Swords out in the forest, and the fact derailed me entirely.
“...Are you feeling well, Miss Jocelyn?” I asked.
“Me? Bright and sunny, Your Highness, as I am every day. How was your sleep?” she asked. She smiled as she came in to make the bed, and try as I might, I could not place something wrong with her. I finally asked.
“You’re early and undressed. Are you not joining us for the ride today?” I checked.
She turned. “The ride?”
“Yes. Our ride,” I said. “It isn’t Wednesday, is it?”
“No, miss. But… Did Mr. Evergreen not tell you that he was leaving town?”
I frowned. “Leaving town?” I gasped. “What? Leaving town?”
She shrugged. “That’s what he told Daniel. I just spoke with him in the hall.”
I hurried to the door. “Mr. Evergreen?”
“No, Daniel, Your Highness.”
I stopped, turning toward her, horrified. “Where did he go?” I asked.
“Oreia, Your Highness.” It was matter-of-fact.
“Oreia?”I checked. I watched her fluff the sheet. “Mr. Evergreen just… He went home?”
Josie nodded.
