To say that things between us had changed was an understatement.At the deposition, he hated me.Now we were at least friends and lovers in the literal sense.I muffled the part of me that hoped we were more, the part of my psyche that had wandered unprotected down the path toward theLword.Knowing it was true and saying the whole word even in my head were two completely different things.
“One of the partners at my firm told me they’re almost ready to settle your case.Which means the cease-and-desist will be removed.”
The fork clattered to my plate.I’d known the suit was moving forward.Charlotte had told me as much, but I hadn’t realized we were so close to the end.
“How soon?”I had so many thoughts and emotions rolling around in my head.The cease-and-desist had given us a kind of pocket of space to explore this thing between us.Its removal presented an arbitrary deadline.One I didn’t yet understand.
“A couple of days, which got me thinking.”He stood, closing the distance between us, spinning my stool around to face him.“I don’t want you to see anyone else.”He gripped my hips, fitting himself between my legs and making me way too aware of my naked sex.“I want it to just be you and me.”
The breath caught in my throat at the possibility that we might actually be feeling the same thing.That this thing between us might stop being a thing and start being the relationship I hadn’t let myself believe I wanted.It would make work a challenge.I didn’t know how I’d deal with it, but we could figure it out—set boundaries, sort through expectations, that kind of thing.I was willing to compromise to make things work.The love-wielding part of my psyche started dancing her way out of the closet I’d shoved her into.
“I was thinking I could pay you to be your only client.Not long-term, of course.Just until we got each other out of our systems.I’m not a relationship person, and I don’t think you are either, but I’m not finished with you yet.I want more time.”
He searched my face, waiting for my response as the meaning of his words finally penetrated my thick head.He wasn’t falling in love.He wasn’t falling in anything.He just wanted to fuck awhile longer, and he didn’t like to share.All perfectly reasonable things considering where we’d started.And he was willing to pay for the privilege of getting what he wanted.
This man I loved—no sense lying about it now—who didn’t love me, this man who could own me body and soul with his touch, wanted tobuyme.
I felt my heart start to fracture and reorder itself to this new kind of normal, and then I gave him the only answer I could.
“Mercy.”
“YOU’RE IN EARLY,” SAIDJARED, leaning against the doorframe to my office.“I didn’t expect you to come rolling in here until after nine, looking all rested and refreshed from your weekend sex-a-thon.”He crossed the office and dropped into one of the leather client chairs, pinning me with his prosecutor’s gaze.“You look like shit.What happened?Tell me you didn’t fuck things up with the doctor lady.”
“Fuck off.”I didn’t want to talk about Alex.Hell, I didn’t want to think about Alex, not that it had done me any good.I hadn’t been able to think of anything else since she used her safe word and walked out of my house—out of my life.I’d finally given up and gone into the office to try to work my way through my feelings.It wasn’t helping.
“Talk to me, man.”He leaned forward in the chair, concern etched on his face.
“No.Not yet,” I added to soften my words.He cared about me.I appreciated that, even if I didn’t want to share what happened with Alex.I was ashamed, and I needed to hold onto those feelings on my own for a while longer.
“You really like her.”His eyebrows hit his hairline, shock clear on his face.
Likewas an understatement.After she walked out my door, taking her light and laughter and leaving me behind, I realized my feelings for Alex were a lot stronger thanlike.I loved her and instead of telling her, I offered her money to let me fuck her.There was no way in hell I was coming back from that.If I were her, I wouldn’t talk to me again.
I couldn’t imagine never talking to her again, never holding her.The sex was phenomenal.There weren’t enough words in my vocabulary to describe it, but it was my soul that ached for her.I’d spent the better part of a day and night trying to convince my stupid heart I’d survive her leaving.I knew now I wouldn’t.What I didn’t know was what the fuck to do about it.
“It’s more than that, isn’t it?”Jared asked when I didn’t respond.
