My arms automatically wrap around her body as I fight not to release the tears her downcast disposition causes to seep into my body. I close my eyes as I mentally communicate with Big Homie.
Alright, Big Homie. Please give my lady what she needs to ease this pain. Her pain is doing something to me, and I don’t know what to say or do to help her. Please, Big Homie, do what only you can.
When the last word is thought, I open my eyes and place a gentle kiss on Caziya’s head. Her hands clench my shirt, and her body sags further into me.
“I know I have been distant, and I’m sorry. I just—I’m having a hard time right now. I’m trying to get myself together. I just haven’t felt the need to talk or be bothered with anyone.” Caziya’s words are soft spoken and hoarse as I wonder if she’s done anything but unleash her emotions over the last seven days.
“You don’t have to apologize, Ziya. I just needed to lay eyes on you. I won’t even pressure you to let me in.”
My statement is light, but part of me wants to demand that she allow me to come in and hold her all night.
“I’m glad because I don’t want you to come in. This moment is nice, but I still need a little more time. I don’t want to share my brokenness with you. Well, no more than I already have.”
Damn. This is killing me, Ziya.
“No worries. When you’re ready, I’ll be here.” The contradiction in my statements is for Caziya’s benefit and not the fracture in the chambers of my heart.
I want to beg Caziya to let me come in. I want to force her to talk me through what she feels. But my need to not overwhelmher outweighs my desires. With that in mind, I place another kiss on her head and release her from my embrace.
“I miss the fuck out of you, but pressuring you into an uncomfortable position isn’t something I’ll ever do. But know, whenever you want or need me, I’m just a phone call or text away. Now go inside.” I tap her ass gently and take a step back, giving her permission to do as I say.
Internally, I want to cut my damn tongue out of my mouth because I don’t want to walk away or leave Caziya in her current state. In fact, I want to follow her into her apartment and stay until I know for sure that she’s okay. My shoulders slump, and I turn to walk back down the steps to my vehicle with a heavy feeling that surges through my body. I feel like I want to kick the orange cat that runs into my path just to relieve the tension in my shoulders. But I’m not into animal cruelty, so I continue toward my vehicle.
I sigh when I’m inside the interior before I sit still, unable to leave right away. In this moment, I know without a doubt that I’m in love with Caziya. My heart aches, and the urge to simply stay in this spot overtakes me. I feel like I should guard Caziya from an unknown entity, and that keeps me rooted in place. I take a second to insert my key in the ignition, but I make no attempt to leave. My phone rings with an incoming call from Dad that I answer after the second ring. “What’s good, man?”
“I don’t know why you talk to me like I’m one of your homies, Son.”
“Probably because you are, or at least I like to think so. But not in a disrespectful way or anything. I do consider you to be my best friend, though. Unless you want to relinquish the title to a less deserving person?”
“Nah. Ain’t a mothafucka alive that can take my place. But is everything good with you? Oddly, you've been on my mind, soI’m calling to make sure everything is okay. Where’s my Kiki? It sounds quiet in your background.”
“Giving space to the woman who holds my heart has me out of sorts. This shit is killing me, but it’s what she’s asking me for.”
“Damn. If your new woman is already tired of you, this isn’t a good sign. What did you do to that woman, Son?”
A low chuckle escapes my mouth, and I shake my head with my eyes on Caziya’s apartment on the second floor. The humor is difficult with the pain I feel in my chest, especially since I know I’m innocent.
“You didn’t raise me to cause any woman distress. This battle with my woman is a familial one. I’m just trying to practice patience while she goes through it.”
“Ah. Gotcha. All you can do is let her know you’re available whenever she needs you and say some prayers on her behalf.”
“Already on it. Thanks.”
Dad and I talk for another five minutes before the call disconnects. I turn up the radio for background noise as my eyes focus on the windows above. Since Kiki isn’t home, I have nowhere to go, so I settle in to guard over the woman who has my heart in a vice grip. Whether she wants my presence inside her place or not, I’m not going anywhere for a while. The deep level of torment, rejection, and sadness from the temporary separation has me unable to form any logical thoughts. Man, I hope this shit ends soon because I’m unsure how much more my disposition can take.
“Now,I know that you don’t want to, but you need to go see Rosetta.”
I pull the phone from my ear and turn it over twice before I place it back against my ear. The weekend is here, and I sit with my back against my mattress frame where I have been since making the call to Aunt Emmy. The idea of going through with Rosetta’s request so soon after getting off work has my stomach in knots.
“Uh, Auntie, are you really suggesting that I subject myself to more torment from that woman?”
“I am. It’s not about Rosetta. It’s all about you. For years, you have allowed her to hinder you and the way you move in life. It’s time that you get some clarity.”
As per her previous call, Rosetta sent me a message to let me know she’s in the city and wants to hook up. That was yesterday, and I have yet to reply to the message. I’ve been unsure if I want to waste time going to see Rosetta. At this point, she’s a distant relative with whom I have no ties, despite her significance to me.
“I’m scared,” I whisper. A lone tear creeps down my cheek, and I let it flow.
“I know. But Bunny, it isn’t healthy for you to continue in this regard. Based on our last conversation about Rosetta, I imagine that you shut down. The problem is, you can’t shelter in place forever. It’s time to come from under this bondage. Now reach out to Rosetta. When the meeting is over, call or come over.” Without giving me a chance to push back or reject the idea, Aunt Emmy disconnects the call.
