Chapter Fourteen
When our clothes werereasonably dry and our bellies no longer entirely empty, we started out again.Though the terrain was more difficult, we kept near the stream.I liked having the water on one side, so I need only worry about protecting the other three.
I saw no further signs of Gaz or Nize, and I didn’t sense them.They would wait and attack when they had the advantage.Taio and the others knew to be on guard for them.Still, I couldn’t help but feel like a traitor for not saying anything about my meeting with Gaz.More than ever, I wished Finnrey were here.She would understand the shame and mortification I felt—not just at how easily Gaz had used my affections but at the treachery of my mother.And my father?
I was finding it harder and harder to dismiss the evidence I’d seen since I’d returned from patrol and been ushered into the throne room and informed of the Claiming Rite.I felt as though with each step I took, another hard truth landed on my shoulders—secrets, lies, inequalities.Had all of that been for the protection of the people of Earsleh or for my father’s benefit?Was the king keeping us safe or ensuring his place on the throne?
I wanted so desperately to believe in the honor of Earsleh and the goodness of the king.I’d wanted to trust in all I’d been told.But how could I deny the weight of all the evidence to the contrary?How could I pretend Gaz’s warning about my father sending an army was a lie when I had so much proof to the contrary?
My logic wasn’t faulty.I didn’t ask too many questions.I’d asked questions my father and the other courtiers didn’t want to answer.I’d been made to twist my logic so it fit with the lies and inconsistencies of life in Highcastle.But now the dust was clearing, and I was beginning to see things for how they truly were.Nothing was what I’d believed, and the honor of the kingdom I would have defended to the death didn’t exist.
***
BY NIGHTFALL, WE WEREall cold and exhausted.The thunder and lightning had tapered off during the day, but now the sky was lit up with jagged streaks of light again.I had a bad feeling our luck would run out tomorrow, and we’d be walking in the rain.
We ate the last of the berries for dinner then Taio set watches.To my surprise, he gave me first watch, and he gave it to me alone.This was a sign he truly trusted me.
I never felt I deserved his trust less.I still hadn’t told him about seeing Gaz.If I was home and on patrol, I would have been punished severely for keeping such a secret.I put the entire group at risk by not telling them all the dangers we faced, by not telling them that Gaz had not and would not turn back and go home.He was more determined than ever.
The Zulenii had settled into their bedrolls, and everything was quiet except for that distant rumble of thunder every few minutes.At home, we always did watch in pairs.One person was too apt to fall asleep.Tonight there weren’t enough of us for paired watches.If Finnrey had been here...
I closed my eyes as pain seeped into me like rain through layers of clothing.I’d been able to put her out of my mind while we’d been moving.Now thoughts of her crept back, and I felt the damp and the cold of a world without her deep in my bones.
How was it possible the world still went on without her?How could it be that the sun rose and set, the lightning flashed, and the birds sang while Finnrey’s body lay cold under pine boughs miles away?A dozen times today I had turned and expected to see her.I thought of something to tell her and realized with a pang that I would never tell her anything ever again.I wiped tears from my cheeks, annoyed that I was crying again.Finnrey would have teased me, saying everyone had been wrong about me being without emotions.I only needed her to die to bring all my emotions to the forefront.
Kintle had the watch after me, and by the time I woke him, I’d dried my tears.He said nothing when I lightly shook his shoulder, just rose, rubbed his face and began patrolling.I wanted nothing more than to sink into oblivion, to sleep and not dream, not feel for just a few hours.Taio had moved his bedroll near mine, and I climbed inside and shivered while I waited for my body heat to warm the fabric.
“You were crying,” Taio said.
I turned my head and saw he lay on his side, facing me.His eyes were open.
“Your shoulders shook and you wiped tears on your sleeve.”
“You are supposed to be sleeping,” I whispered.
“I cannot sleep without you beside me.”
I snorted quietly.He was certainly a charmer.He lifted an arm in invitation, and I scooted closer.He pulled me against him and covered us with his coat.Instantly, I was snug in a cocoon of warmth and the fresh scent of pine that clung to him.“Do you know what we believe about the dead?”he asked.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and shook my head, my gaze meeting his.
“We believe they are always with us, watching over us, protecting us, keeping us from harm.I think your sister is with you in spirit.She is keeping you safe and would not want you to mourn.”
“You didn’t know her very well,” I murmured.“I think she would appreciate some mourning.”
He nodded, though I had meant it as a bit of a joke.Perhaps if Taio was right, and Finnrey was close by, she would appreciate the humor.
“I wish I could ease your pain,” he said.“Watching another in pain is a helpless feeling.”
