At this point, I had been focusing on elevating my career, which meant that I didn’t have much of a social life. I’d had a bitof a hoe phase in my freshman year in college, and I was over the whole casual sex thing. Not that I couldn’t detach my emotions, anymore. I just didn’t want to.
I now knew enough about myself to say that I preferred fucking somebody who loved me. So, Breeze was the only man sliding between my legs, even if he didn’t know it. Because I wouldn’t give him that reassurance.
Naturally, he would push for us to officially be together, but I felt like I was making the best executive decision for the both of us.
Right then, we were both chasing our dreams, and wasn’t deeply distracted by the emotional weight of maintaining a long-distance relationship. Which means that I wasn’t running from him. I just had certain aspects of us on hold. And the sacrifice for the overall mission was that I let other girls borrow him, from time to time.
I know that from the outside looking in, our situation probably seemed chaotic. However, I felt like I was being realistic.
Being in a relationship could be emotionally exhausting. Therefore, for the time being, I was cutting out the hard part, and just enjoying Ricky. No, I didn’t necessarily like the idea of him having sex with other girls, but I told myself that he needed to do that. At that time in his life, anyway. And if we would’ve been together, at the that time, then I’d have to lie to myself, when I knew that he probably wasn’t disciplined enough to resist temptation.
The real problem was that I understood Ricky in ways that he didn’t yet understand himself. I undoubtedly knew that he loved me, but he was still just a man, at the end of the day.
He’d never admit it to me, but he loved himself a bad bitch. And whenever bad bitches entered his orbit, he was going to explore them. So, in my mind, if there was ever going to be a time, where I was officially his again, then I wanted that out of his system first.
Contrary to what some of my family thought, I didn’t have full control over Ricky. I was never okay with him being with hoes, especially Ora. It was merely tolerated. And because I wouldn’t give him everything he wanted, to protect my own heart, he’d spitefully keep her around. And sometimes…I could see it. He liked her.
The real difference between me and Ora was her willingness to conform. She wanted him so badly that she neglected to see her own power. Or really believed that she didn’t have any.
With all the options at Ricky’s disposal, he kept fucking Ora. And somewhere deep down, that bothered me. Even if I had literally fucked him in her face, she still managed to hold on. And with a man like Ricky, she couldn’t force her way into his life. He wanted her there. Which just added to the reasons that I wasn’t about to commit.
He wanted me to believe that all his hoes would be a nonissue, if we were together. Meanwhile, he couldn’t even seemingly leave bitches alone long enough to show me that he was ready. Why would I be in a rush to claim him, while Ora was literally sitting on his dick, supposedly until I folded?
He didn’t make sense, which told me that my Ricky still had some growing up to do.
And now…he’d abruptly switched up on me, when just a month prior, he was flying me out to his games, wanting me courtside. In his damn jersey.
Any other girl would’ve already been on that nigga’s line, demanding answers. But…my pride was a muthafucka. It steered me. Controlled me. Was the reason that Ricky was often unclear about where I stood.
Calling him up would force me to have conversations that I liked to avoid. Or it would force me to express my feelings, which would make me feel super weak. Especially when I was the one constantly screaming that we weren’t together.
“Fuck it,” I mumbled, as I grabbed my phone.
My heart was beating wildly, as I facetimed Ricky at three in the morning.
“Hello?” A feminine voice groggily answered in the dark.
My stomach immediately twisted in knots, as I frowned. “Ora?”
She lightly snickered, before moving around, and switching a lamp on, shining a light on her face. “Yep, it’s me, hoe.” She panned the camera over her naked upper body. “You’re looking for him?” She focused the camera on a sleeping Breeze.
Tauntingly, she lifted the covers to show me that he was fully naked.
“You see that?” She asked with the camera now back on her. “He’s knocked out from fucking the shit out of me. I know you thought that he was coming to that whack ass screening, but he decided to sit this one out. To define boundaries. He aint your man, so you can stop depending on him in certain aspects. Because we’re working on us. And as a woman, I hope you can respect our relationship, moving forward.”
Cynically, I laughed, although my soul was lowkey on fire. “You finally got smart. Just made it real for me. Congratulations.You did that. Now, have a goodnight.” Ending the call, I didn’t bother arguing, refusing to give the bitch the satisfaction.
I was pissed, though. And hurt. Even if she was lying about them being together, seriously. Either way, he’d neglected to show up for me, and that bitch knew it.
All I could think of was showing Ricky that he was playing with the wrong bitch. So, I called a nigga that was sure to have him feeling it in his chest.
“Hello?” He answered, sounding wide awake.
“Harlem, can you pull up? I wanna see if you can fuck me to sleep tonight.”
Chapter 16
A month ago…
