“Was this what you wanted to talk about?” I asked, the words strained as I pushed them off my tongue.
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because it didn’t seem like the right time or place. I thought with the party…” He trailed off but I understood. I’d have made the same decision in his place.
“Makes sense,” I said slowly. My limbs had unfrozen but the feeling had been replaced by lead instead, so they were heavy and unwieldy. An irritating buzzing filled my mind as all my thoughts tried to make themselves heard. “How long?”
“How long what?”
“Has Hannah known.”
“I don’t know. I assume she figured it out today. I don’t know how, though. I didn’t ask. Didn’t really seem like the pertinent question.”
“I guess not.” I had to presume Hannah had seen him kiss me. It was the only option that wasn’t going to send me spiralling down a rabbit hole of my memories, examining every fragment of our interactions, trying to work out what had given me away. “Do you… are you… my notice period is usually a month but I can be gone in a few days if that’s easier.”
“What the fuck?” Matty looked bewildered and pain blossomed across my chest. I didn’t want to leave, but it seemed like the only option. “I’m not asking you to leave.”
“But we’re… we broke all the rules. And surely Hannah doesn’t want me working here if we’re hooking up.”
“I don’t care what Hannah wants,” Matty said quietly. He stepped closer towards me, putting a hand out. But I couldn’t take it. “I’m the only one who gets a say when it comes to Jack’s care. And yeah, I’ll always consider her opinion and she gets visits, but at the end of the day, I’m the one with primary custody.”
It made sense, but I wasn’t thinking logically. My heart was racing and I couldn’t focus on anything except the way my whole life was crumbling around me. I’d let my dick win, broken my number one rule, and on top of that I’d fallen so hard for this man nobody else would ever compare.
And now the consequences were coming for me.
“But she’s not going to want me around,” I said. “She could make your life hell, Matty, and I don’t want that for you. I don’t want that for Jack. You two have a great co-parenting relationship and your son loves you. I can’t let you ruin that. Fuck, I already have.”
“No, you haven’t.” He took another step closer and gently took my hand. “Nothing has been ruined, I promise. We just need to talk about what we’re doing and what we want from this, then figure out how to make it work. But I don’t want you to leave, sweetheart. You’re my sunshine, Harper. You’ve mademe feel like a person again, like I don’t have to just be Dad or Captain. And I don’t want to throw any of that away.”
I shook my head and tried to back away, but my feet were glued to the floor. His words were sweet, and in any other circumstance they’d be all I wanted to hear. “I don’t either but think about it… I can’t be your nanny if we’re together, and I can’t get another job because then who would look after Jack? And we barely know each other. I can’t stop working and rely on you for everything. What if something goes wrong? I know you’ll say it won’t but that doesn’t mean anything.”
“Okay, so we’d have some kinks to work out but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible,” he said softly, squeezing my hand. “Between us we can figure it out. I want a relationship with you, Harper. A real, God-honest fucking relationship.”
“I do too but I don’t know if it’s possible.” I sighed and looked down. “We should never have started this.”
“Maybe not, but I’m glad we did. Because I like you, sunshine. A lot. And I know we should’ve talked about this ages ago but we’re talking about it now.”
“Doesn’t mean it’ll fix anything,” I said. I’d never been so pessimistic before and the emotion almost surprised me, but I’d never had to listen to my heart break in slow motion due to my own foolishness.
How could I have done this to myself?
How could I have been so careless?
“Please, Harper. Don’t give up on us.” Matty looked so pained and it was making everything worse. I didn’t want him to blame himself because it was both of our faults.
“I’m not. I’m being realistic. I don’t want this to end but I don’t see any other way.” My eyes started to prickle as it finally sank in how much I was going to lose. Not just Matty but my job and a little boy with a beautiful laugh that I’d completely fallen in love with.
“I have to think,” I said, finally pulling away from him and taking a step back. “Please, just let me think.”
“I… Okay,” he said. It was clear he didn’t like it. That he didn’t want to give me the space I needed. But with all my thoughts swirling around like a swarm of angry bees, I was in no state to have a constructive conversation, let alone make a decision.
I needed to collect my thoughts and mull them over.
And there was only one person I wanted to help me do that.
“I fucked up,” I said as soon as Marissa answered the phone, barely letting her say hello before the words started tumbling out of me. “I fucked up in the most enormous way possible and now everything is awful and I’m going to lose my job and I’m never going to be able to work as a nanny again and I’ll have to come and live with you in your attic like some sort of goblin while I try and figure out what to do with the rest of my life because I’ve ruined everything.”
