I said all of this very quickly, barely pausing to take a breath.
There was a shocked moment of silence, and then Marissa said, “Honey, I’m going to need you to breathe. And then I’m going to need you to tell me whose fucking arse I need to kick.”
“You don’t need to kick anyone’s arse. Except maybe mine.”
“No, you’re my little brother and you’re perfect. Everyone else is wrong.”
“I don’t think they are.”
“You are perfect,” she said firmly. “Don’t make me kick your arse too.”
I chuckled, wiping a tear out of the corner of my eye. Not that it did much considering the way they were streaming down my cheeks. I’d barely made it up to my room before I’d started to cry properly, flopping on the floor by the sofa because I couldn’teven summon the energy to crawl onto the cushions. A little hiccupping sob escaped my lips and Marissa made a soothing sound. “I’m sorry.”
“Oh, honey, you don’t need to be sorry. Just tell me what happened. We can fix it, I promise.”
“I don’t think you can.”
“Watch me. Just say the word and I’ll grab Sophie and Leigh. We’ll be there in two hours tops. I will defy the laws of physics and the British roads.”
Another bubble of laughter mixed with a sob popped on my tongue, making me squeak pathetically like a sad, lonely kitten. “I really fucked it, Mari. I broke rule number one.”
“Never give a child glitter unless you’re willing to clean it up?”
“That’s rule two,” I said. “Rule one is never fall for, get involved with, or fuck a parent. Ever.”
“Ah, that rule. Let me guess, you slept with the hot single dad?”
“Yep.”
“More than once.”
“Yep.”
“That’ll do it,” she said, letting out a long breath through her nose, and I knew exactly what her face looked like even though I couldn’t see it. “What happened?”
“His ex, Jack’s mum, figured out that we were together? I don’t know. That’s not even the right word because we never even talked about what we were doing until now. Which, yeah, we probably should have done. Anyway, she worked out something was going on and said we all need to have a conversation, which we do, but Matty thinks it’ll all be fine. Like he doesn’t seem to understand that I’ve just ruined my life.”
“Okay, there’s a lot to unpack here, but if his ex is okay with it and Matty thinks it will be fine, what’s the problem? Don’t you want to be with him? Was it just sex and you don’t want more?”
“No, I want more,” I said as I drew my knees into my chest and hugged them, my toes curling into the carpet. “I really like him. He cares so deeply about everything, and he’s so kind. He takes so much interest in everything I say, and he wants to share so much of his life with me. And he loves Jack so much it just makes me melt. Like I can talk to him for hours and always feel like there’s more to say, and I want to stay here, in this house, with him forever. But I can’t.”
“Why not? If you both want it.”
“Because I’d be throwing away everything for something so uncertain.” How could I make her understand? “I worked so hard to get where I am, to be the best nanny I can be, but if we get together, I can’t be a nanny anymore. I certainly can’t be Jack’s nanny, which would defeat the purpose of me being here, so Matty would have to hire someone else. And if I stayed, then I wouldn’t be able to get another job because who would look after Jack? And if I stayed, Matty couldn’t pay me, so I’d be totally reliant on him for everything, and I can’t put that level of trust in him. Not this early on. I can’t see any solution to this that involves me getting to be with Matty and getting to do the job I love.”
Marissa sighed and I could practically hear her thinking. “Do you think I’m overreacting?” I asked.
“No, I don’t think so. But there has to be a way. Maybe a day nanny? You could be a day nanny.”
“But they’d have to be willing to let me bring Jack, and I doubt that would happen.”
“You don’t know that until you ask,” she said. “After all, if they have kids who are a similar age, it could be a great fit.”
“Maybe.”
“You don’t really want solutions right now, do you?”
“No,” I said. “I know it’s silly but I just want to be miserable for a bit.”
