He started down the passageway, ignoring her statement. At the corner, he paused and looked back. Not fully to be called a turn, but just enough to show that he had heard her breath catch and chose not to ask why.
“The cèilidh buys us at least a week,” he said. “That is the bright side to all of this.”
“Of course. The fact that I get to stay longer in a loveless arrangement is quite thrilling,” she said quietly.
He went still for a heartbeat. Then he walked on.
Erica did not follow. She stayed where she was, palms clammy, the wooden door solid at her back, the stone cool at her shoulder.
The hall beyond began to breathe again. She knew by now that servants would be clearing plates and the girls would be choosing flowers. Grandmamma would be two steps into her lists.
Alex’s footsteps faded at the bend.
A truth settled where her anger had been. He was already planning, as if consent would catch up to the plan.
The shape of her days was being set by a man who would not let her be harmed and would not let her decide what to do with her life either.
Her heart thudded once, hard enough to feel in her throat.
CHAPTER 26
The lake layflat and heavy, only a faint ripple where a fish turned and settled. Erica matched her mother’s pace, slow and steady, hands clasped in front of her to keep from picking at her nails.
They walked for a while without words. The silence carried the weight of them both. Her mother’s shawl moved with each breath, and Erica watched as the hem and fringe tapped against her skirt. She had slept poorly and felt the dull ache of it behind her eyes.
“I daenae ken what I want,” she said at last, her voice thin. She cleared her throat and tried again. “I daenae ken.”
Her mother did not stop. “That is different from not kenning what yeneed.”
Erica bit the inside of her cheek. “I need to be safe,” she said. “But I also…” She felt the rest catch. It would not come freewithout tearing something. “I wantmorethan that. I never thought I would feel this way, but I do.”
Her mother slowed down and turned to her. The lines at the corners of her mouth were deeper than they had been a year ago. “Daenae mistake safety for happiness, me love. One keeps ye alive, the other makes life worth living.”
The words landed clean and hard. No softness to them, only truth.
Erica looked out over the water to avoid her mother’s eyes. The far bank was a dark strip. A gull slid across the surface and rose. She could almost picture Alex in the water as he had been that night.
A shiver ran down her spine.
“I ken,” she said, though she did not, not fully.
Her mother stepped close enough to touch her sleeve. “Ye are young,” she said. “Ye can choose more than fear.”
“I am tired of choosing,” Erica sighed. “Each choice feels like it asks a price I cannae pay.”
“That is what choice is, dear,” her mother answered. “Ye pay now, or ye pay later. But if ye choose to overcome yer fear, ye may throw away the thing that would have kept ye warm.”
When the yard appeared, her mother touched her elbow. “Come find me at dinner,” she said. “Tell me what the day gave ye.”
“Aye,” Erica said, though she had no idea what that would be.
She watched her mother go ahead and then followed, slower, carrying the words like a heavy bundle she could not put down.
The next morning came soft and bright. Erica did not seek Alex. She went to the girls instead.
Bettie and Katie met her in the yard, with their hair half done and ribbons in their fists.
“We want to use the blue one we got from the market,” Bettie said at once.
