“But… but…” Gently, he pulled her closer. Slowly, he inclined his head to kiss her. And even slower than that… “No,” he said suddenly letting her go and stepping away.
She gasped again, that sensation that a part of her was being torn away. Her heart was racing. She could hardly breathe. And her mind clouded with confusion as she tried to fathom what had just happened.
“I am so sorry…” He looked down as if in shame, his body half turned away from her. “I want you, Margot. But I can’t allow it.” He forced himself to look at her again, and she winced to see the pain behind his eyes.But what about my pain!“It would be so much easier if I weren’t…” He laughed, but it was hollow. “How much easier it would be.”
“You say it like it is a bad thing.”
“It is,” he said determinedly. “And that’s why…” He hesitated. “I’m sorry, Margot. I can’t. I just can’t…”
“What does that mean?” she demanded, anger growing inside of her now.
“I don’t want to hide from you. I don’t want to pretend as if you do not exist. But if you expect more from me, if you want more…” He shook his head. “That, I cannot offer.”
Margot didn’t know what to say to that. If anything could even be said. It had seemed to her that Sebastian was on the precipiceof finally revealing his true feelings to her – he had nearly kissed her! If not his feelings, his reasons behind why he had acted in such a way. That he would confirm it was not her fault. That he would give hope to a situation that was utterly devoid of it.
No… she stared blankly at him, unable to believe that this was the result of his confession. Admitting that whatever this was had been caused because of him, but not willing to do anything about it.What is the point if nothing is going to change?
“So, that is it?” she said. Anger fading. Sadness leaving her. Resigned was how she felt, sick to death of all the confusion, wishing it to just be over. “What happens now?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I don’t want you to hate me.”
“You make it very hard not to.”
“Just as I don’t want to ignore you for the rest of my life. Only…” He bowed his head, his shoulders sagging in defeat. “I feel that there is nothing else I can do.”
“You can tell me why,” she said. “That you can do.”
“No,” he said. “I can’t do that. I’m…” He exhaled, forced himself to meet her eyes, and in them she saw the desperate plight that was his own internal battle fighting against whatever it was he truly wanted. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize,” she said. “I don’t want to hear it.”
“I am. I am so sorry –”
“No.” Margot straightened up, composing herself, turning her voice flat because she would not let him see how upset she was. “You do not get to apologize. Not now. Not ever.” And with that, Margot turned and stormed across the garden, needing to put some distance between herself and Sebastian.
And as she did so, he wondered how long that same distance would last between them. For a night? For a week? For the rest of their lives? Until Sebastian was willing to tell her what was wrong with him, she suspected that things would remain in their marriage as they had all week.
At least now I know. This marriage… it never stood a chance, and I was a fool to consider otherwise.
Nineteen
Sebastian found his mother right where he expected to. Where she always was, for rarely did she leave that room unless she had good reason. Sitting by the window so the sunlight shone across her, she had a needle and thread in hand, stitching away with expert precision and care.
“Mother…” Sebastian crept into the room.
She looked up when she heard his voice, her smile warm and filled with love. “I thought I heard you coming,” she said as she went back to her stitchwork. “It was either that or a mouse creeping down the hall.”
He lingered halfway through the room, wanting to go to her so she could pull him into her arms and hold him close. But he was getting too old for that now, eleven and nearly a man – or so his father said. It was time he stopped relying on his mother to save him.
“Are you going to tell me what is wrong?” she said with a soft chuckle. “Or do I need to guess?”
“It... nothing,” he lied. “I just wanted to see you.”
“Oh, is that right….” She chuckled again and shook her head. “So, it has nothing to do with your father shouting just now?” She looked up from her work and raised a knowing eyebrow at him.
He winced, feeling his resolve soften. “Andrew asked if I wanted to see him today – his father lets him ride beyond the estate, and he invited me to join him.”
“And your father won’t allow it.”
