Sebastian looked up at the woman, and she smiled as their eyes met. She was indeed beautiful, and the exact type of woman he’d ordinarily be climbing over tables to get to. Although not everything that people said of him was true, much of it was. He had a history of philandering, rakish behavior that had seen him bed many a woman in circumstances much like this one.
Niggling at the back of his mind was the urge to fall into his old ways. His marriage was not a love match; it was hardly a marriage! And as desperate as he was to forget about Margot, perhaps taking this woman to bed would solve all his woes? Remind him of who he was and what he was all about?
Should I… it would be so easy… and I should not feel bad about it. I doubt Margot would even care…
Sebastian tried to instill those words inside himself, wanting to believe them, but when he looked at this woman, he saw Margot. Her eyes. Her smile. Her soft lips. His heart fluttered at the thought, just as his stomach turned to imagine the guilt he wouldfeel if he were to act right now and do as he once would have without a second thought.
Was it time to stop pretending? Was it time to finally admit how he felt? How much longer could Sebastian lie to himself? And again, why was he so afraid of what Margot offered? Or what they both wanted?
He could not say. He did not know! What he did know was that this seedy tavern, this barmaid, were now part of a life he no longer desired. And with that in mind, he rose from the table, apologized to the woman, and left without looking back.
As he rode home, Sebastian thought about what he would do. What he had to do. He needed to speak with Margot. He needed to apologize. And then…I will find out. Am I a man or am I a coward? Am I ready to finally admit how I feel and what I want? Or is this about to be the hardest moment of my life?
Time would tell, he supposed.
Eighteen
Margot was in her room when she heard Sebastian leave. Sitting on her bed, it was the sound of horse hooves that drew her attention. She did not want to leave her bed, but she was curious, so she hurried to the window and looked outside, just in time to see the duke riding off in the distance.
Good. Leave. And don’t come back for all I care…
She thought the words as she watched him go, but her heart wasn’t in it like she wanted. In truth, when he had appeared in her room, she had very nearly leapt from the bed and run to him. She thought of throwing her arms around him and pulling him into a hug because she needed it as she’d never needed anything before.
But she stayed strong. She stayed cold. She stayed distant, her resolve strengthening when he closed the door and left, thatsense inside of her that being strong and dispassionate wasn’t nearly the victory she liked to think it was.
Now that Sebastian was gone, Margot finally felt comfortable enough to leave her room. But she did not go to the dining hall, as she had no appetite. Rather, she found herself walking outside and into the back garden. The moon sat full in the sky, the night was warm, and she walked to the garden’s center, its light shining upon her, as she gazed up at it while her thoughts went back to that same place they had been going all day.
First, it was Lord Ashcombe.
She had not thought about him properly for years, but now he wrecked her as he had not done since he’d spurned their engagement and ruined her name throughout the ton.How had I been so foolish? So naïve to think he cared for me?For so long, she had thought it was not her fault, for how was she to know? Now, the truth was laid too bare for her not see it.
Were all men this way? Liars and cheats and so deceptive? Or did she just have a knack for finding them?
This inevitably made her think about Sebastian, further proof of her hopelessness when it came to men. Worse that she had known what he was when they had first wed, only to allow herself to be tricked. And why? Because she was attracted to him? Because she knew he was attracted to her? As if that was enough!
Sadly, that attraction had been just the beginning, a door through which she walked so that she might see a version of him that…it was what I wanted to see. I know that now. Not the real him, but a falsity. Perhaps I am to blame? Knowing the truth, ignoring it, and all because I allowed myself to believe that maybe this time I would be happy.
Margot had never yearned for love. She had never sought romantic happiness and wedded bliss. But Sebastian had made her think it was possible, only for that belief to blow up in her face and leave her as she was now.
It would pass, she knew. Eventually, she would get over the sadness and move on.But then what? What happens next? My life is here, and if this is the best I can hope for, I am not so sure I should hope for such a thing.
“What are you doing?” a voice spoke softly from behind her.
Margot’s eyes widened, for she knew who the voice belonged to. And where she nearly jumped in fright, nearly spun about and snapped for having been sneaked up on like that… she was past the point of caring.
“Nothing to concern yourself with,” she said without turning back, still looking up at the moon.
“Margot…”
“I thought you left?” she said sharply, hating to hear the pain in his voice, that sense that he felt guilt for what he was doing to her.I doubt he feels anything at all.
“I had,” he said. She heard his feet come closer, mere feet away. Again, the urge to turn around, but she stayed, not daring to look upon him. “But I came back. I… can we talk?”
“Talk?” A flutter of hope erupted in her chest, but she ignored it. “What is there to talk about?”
She heard him wince. “This past week. The way things have been. It is not…” Hesitation, and she wondered if he might just turn and leave.Please do, save me the inevitable.“It does not have to be this way.”
She laughed bitterly. “Is that what you think?”
