I blink to try to clear the tears from my eyes. It doesn’t work.
“I don’t know much about making a relationship work, except that everyone in it needs to work at it. It can’t be one person doing all the taking, and another doing all the giving. Look at my parents. Mum needs to be with Gran while she’s unwell. Dad needs to stay on the farm. Do you think either of them is making the other feel guilty that they can’t be together right now?”
I shake my head.
“They wouldn’t do that to each other, because they love each other.” He stands, with his arms folded, staring at the horizon. “Dad and I might not always get on, but he would do anything for Mum. Anything except giving up the farm he’s spent his whole life on. And Mum wouldneverask him to, because it means the world to him.” He turns around and prods me in the chest. “Which is why she hired you. To keep this farm going. Dad can’t do it alone and my heart’s not in it. But yours is. Farm life is your dream, and no one who claims they love you should ever ask you to give that up.”
An ugly sob escapes me.
Angus grips my left shoulder in a supportive gesture. “Does Jimmy make you happy?”
I nod, unable to speak.
“If the two of you want to be together, nothing else matters.”
I stare at him through watery eyes. “Are you sure you don’t know much about relationships?”
He smiles. “Let’s just say I’m learning.” He squeezes my shoulder. “You need to stop letting Billy control your life.”
“I haven’t—” I snap my mouth shut. Except, I have. Except I’ve been so worried about his feelings and happiness, I’ve been neglecting my own.
I roll my shoulders back and lift my chin. Angus is right. I have to live my life for me, not for Billy. My resolve crumples. “That doesn’t mean I should do something that will hurt him,” I whisper. “It’s selfish.”
“Do you think Billy is worrying about how his actions might affect you?”
“This is different. He’ll think I’ve fallen for Jimmy on purpose. He’ll think I’m screwing his brother to get revenge on him.”
“Is any of that true?”
“No. Of course not! I— I— Jimmy’s so sweet and caring and—” I clench my fists. “Why couldn’t I have fallen for someone else? Anyone else!”
Angus shrugs. “Because Jimmy’s awesome.”
I stare at him. “Have the two of you ever?—?”
“Fucked?” He throws his head back and laughs. “No. We’re mates, that’s all. But I don’t have to fuck him to know he’s a good guy.” He gives me an understanding smile. “I get it. It’s a complicated situation. It would be easier if Jimmy and Billy weren’t brothers. But I still say fuck it and do what makes you happy. Life’s too short not to.”
“Be selfish?”
“Yes.”
I stare into the distance. Can I be selfish? Can I stop taking responsibility for Billy’s emotions? Can I put myself first?
15
JIMMY
I take a long, hot shower after a workout at the gym. My muscles have that good kind of ache that tells me I’ve had a good workout. It’s not how I wanted to spend my day, but it’s been fun. I switch on my phone as I head off campus. I’ve a brief ‘Can we talk?’ message from Flynn. It shouldn’t make my heart skip, but it does. At the same time, worry prickles my nape. He might want to tell me that nothing else can happen between us.
Me: Sure. When and where?
It takes him a few minutes to respond, which gives me time to walk halfway home.
Flynn: Your place? Whenever is good for you.
It’s interesting that he wants to come to mine. If he were going to blow me off, wouldn't he do it somewhere more neutral? I shouldn’t read too much into it.
Me: I’ll be home in five and don’t have any plans. Come over whenever you want to.
