I want to tell him I don’t blame him for what happened, but that’s not how I really feel. Things will never be the same after tonight, and it would be better for all involved if we keep distance from each other—like before he arrived at my house.
What did I ever do to deserve this? I keep replaying every small interaction I’ve had with Paige over the past two years, every time I tried to stay invisible and avoid her attention. No matter what I did, she still found a way to belittle me. Just for the fun of it. To remind me I’ll never ever fit into their carefully curated world.
My chest aches with each breath. If only we could just keep driving, follow this road until the lights of this town disappear behind us. We could drive all night, windows down, music loud enough to drown out my sobs. We could find some place where nobody knows my name, where nobody has ever witnessed me painted as a clown.
Stephanie gently dabs at my cheek with a makeup wipe to remove the harsh streaks Paige and her minions painted across my face. My skin burns raw.
“Almost got it all,” she says, frowning at a particularly stubborn smudge near my temple.
I stare at my hands, noticing the ragged edges where I’ve been unconsciously picking my fingernails to shreds. Monday looms before me like an execution date. The hallways will be a gauntletof stares and laughs. Those videos and pictures are probably circulating in group chat, preserving the worst moment of my life in high definition for everyone’s entertainment.
Nausea sours the taste in my mouth. How am I supposed to go back to school like nothing ever happened?
I don’t know why I expected things to be different. The car stops at a red light, and I catch Theo watching me, concern etched across his features. Something inside me comes apart. Not only did I get humiliated tonight, but I’m losing him too. Whatever fragile friendship we’ve built since the beginning of the school year is surely going to crumble.
Rain starts pelting the roof of Theo’s car. I turn toward the window, watching raindrops race down the glass. Which one will reach the bottom first? A stupid game I played as a kid, back when my problems could be solved with a Band-Aid and a hug from mom.
If there was a pill I could take to erase tonight from memory, I’d swallow it in a heartbeat. Erase the party, erase the looks on everyone’s faces, erase the feeling of my heart shattering when I realized it was all a setup.
When we pull into Stephanie’s driveway, she squeezes my hand one last time, telling me she’s here for me, that she’ll be there tomorrow, too, if I need her. After a long hug, she climbs out and gives me one last worried glance before heading inside.
Then we drop off Ian. He pats my shoulder, saying something about not letting it get to me and that he’ll see me inschool. All I want at this point is to transfer out and never step foot in that place.
It’s just Theo and me now.
The streetlights zoom past in a blur, the roar of the engine the only sound between us. He glances at me occasionally, like he’s trying to read the jumble of emotional mess that I am right now, but I can’t look at him. I don’t want him to see me like this—raw and vulnerable, with no walls left to hide behind. He’s already seen too much.
When we arrive, he turns off the engine and looks at me with sincerity. “I’m sorry about what they did.”
I remain silent. The knot in my throat prevents words from coming out, and I know if I try to say anything, I’ll just break down. So instead, I nod, slip out of the car and run inside.
As soon as I’m in my room, I bury myself under the covers, pulling them up to my chin like they can protect me from the world. My face still tingles from the scrubbed-off makeup.
I keep thinking about Theo, the look in his eyes when he saw me break down. But it’s pointless, isn’t it? We don’t belong together. Theo’s so . . . easygoing, someone everyone loves to be around. And I’m—well, I’m the girl who got made into a joke for everyone to laugh at. I close my eyes, feeling the hot tears slide down my cheeks, and I sink further into my bedsheets.
In the quiet of my room, I can finally be myself, free from the need to pretend. Here, at least, I can fall apart without witnesses.
Things might feel different in the morning. I might put it all behind me and pretend like none of it happened. Maybe I’ll be able to face the world again, but not right now.
Right now, all I want is to disappear.
Chapter 15
Standing in front of Chrissy’s door for the fifth time, I realize the blame is mine for what happened tonight. I should never have left her alone and now I’m afraid she’s going to resent me for it.
I need to make things right. Hand raised, I take a moment before knocking. The small red mat beneath my feet bears the invisible tracks of my incessant pacing—fifteen minutes of indecision wearing a path outside Chrissy’s door. My shoulders drop at the thought of my colossal failure tonight. How could I have been so careless? Leaving Chrissy alone with Paige was like abandoning a kitten in a room full of hungry coyotes. I drum my fingers against my thigh. What am I to do now?
Just yesterday, she’d finally let her guard down to reveal the person underneath. The small victories I’d celebrated as progress have been undone by the mess I’ve caused tonight. How could I let this happen on my watch? Chrissy deserves better than this. Better than me, probably.
My jaw tightens as I force my feet to stay planted, no more retreating. This is on me to fix—if she’ll even give me the chance. With a deep breath that does nothing to calm the swarm of hornets buzzing in my stomach, I raise my hand again. This time with purpose. The soft knock feels inadequate against the magnitude of my regret, but it’s all I can offer right now.
“Chrissy?” I don’t know what I’m expecting—maybe some sign that she’ll let me in, that she’ll say something, anything.
Once again, silence is all I get, descending upon me like some kind of punishment I deserve.
Walking back to my room, I try to make sense of it all. I wanted to spend time with her so badly, it never occurred to me to ask her how she felt about it—if she evenwantedto go. I thought it would be good for her to get out and let loose at a party. But all I did was to lead her into the worst kind of setup.
My feet drag on the wooden floor, every step heavy as if all this unpleasantness stirring in my gut weighs me down. How could I have been so clueless? So selfish?
