But she couldn’t let Bellamy see this. It was already going to be bad enough with Bel knowing Vesper had comforted her. Especially after that kiss. She definitely did not need Bellamy waking up with everything looking like it had never changed.
Things had changed. Bellamy had made sure of that when she fucked them over the first time and then didn’t stop.
Vesper couldn’t let herself forget that again. She had to force the painful memories back to the forefront of her mind. This did not change a thing. What they’d done in the trolley, it was all a game to Bellamy. It always had been. Vesper couldn’t afford to lose herself again. She hated Bellamy and Bellamy hated her.
Don’t hate me. The words seared into her brain. They’d imprinted themselves deep in the crevices, and Vesper couldn’tshake the feeling that Bel had never wanted this future she’d chosen for them. Never wanted the hate.
As carefully as possible, Vesper peeled Bellamy off her, holding her breath when Bellamy shifted and tried to scoot closer. Bellamy’s fists balled in the fabric of Vesper’s shirt before she let go. It was too much. Vesper all but fell away from the bed when she broke free, rushing to the bathroom for reprieve.
She splashed cold water on her face then clutched the side of the sink and stared at her reflection. There were heavy bags under her eyes; it had taken her an unreasonable amount of time to fall back to sleep. Her short hair was unruly, poking up in all different directions. She’d need to wash it now to contain it.
Vesper wet her hands and pulled her hair back, waiting until the strands fell around her face. It was long enough that she could tie it back into a little stub at the back of her head, but it would look like shit, and she knew that bits of hair wouldn’t stay. It was too short for her preferred style—her braid—and it was all Bellamy’s fault.
That was what Vesper needed to think about. Bellamy had gotten pissed a few months back when she’d caught Vesper with Cedar. Because Bellamy is a bitch who doesn’t know boundaries and refuses to knock when she enters Vesper’s apartment.
She’d grabbed a hold of Vesper’s disheveled braid and snipped the whole thing clean off. The smell of burning hair from Bellamy’s crackling magic was Vesper’s only cue as to what happened. Then, the strands fell loose around her, and Cedar screamed at Bellamy to get the fuck out.
Vesper took a deep breath, wet her hands again, and ran them through her hair until it somewhat settled.Thatwas the Bellamy she needed to remember, not whoever the fuck she’d been in bed with that morning. Because that person, the one who’d cuddled up to her like she was her fucking safety net, the one who’d forced her tongue down Vesper’s throat and still managed to submit so beautifully, the one who’d craved the intimacy of their kiss—that was not Bellamy.
That was Bellamy before everything happened. And that person was lost to Vesper. It was far too late to go back to that now. Feathered white strands fell around her face uselessly and she sighed.
Don’t hate me.
Vesper shook the words from her head.I hate her.
She had to get a hold on that hate, repeat the thought, will it to be true. She’d never been able to fully convince herself of it, even when everything was crashing down around them.
Vesper was brushing her teeth when Bellamy finally stirred. The mattress creaked and the shuffling covers gave her away. Bellamy was sitting cross-legged on the bed when Vesper opened the curtain. Bellamy’s fists dug into her eyes, and she yawned, stretching as her silk shirt rode up her ribs. The tiny shorts barely covered her thighs, and they inched up and…
Vesper stopped looking at Bellamy.
Neither one said anything while Vesper stalked over to her corner of the bench and picked up her book. Sitting down immediately made Vespers muscles scream at her. She hadn’t had time to do her stretches before Bellamy woke up, and she couldn’t bring herself to do them now. Couldn’t let Bellamy in on that tiny part of her life.
She didn’t want to feel Bellamy’s hungry gaze on her while she stretched, a reminder that Bel only ever wanted one thing from her. Besides, Bellamy didn’t deserve to know that her morning routine hadn’t changed in all those years—if she had even bothered to remember it.
As a result, instead of giving into her body’s demands for movement, Vesper settled on the bench, once again pretending to read as the searing heat of Bellamy’s gaze burned a fucking hole in the side of her head. It was entirely impossible to focus like this, and Bellamy had to know it.
“Thank you,” Bellamy whispered when Vesper continued to ignore her. “For last night, I mean… For all of it.”
“I didn’t do anything,” Vesper snapped, harsher than she intended. She didn’t look away from her book.
“All right, Ves.” Bellamy sounded defeated. Her voice was small and insecure, and Vesper fucking hated it. What was she playing at now? Hoping to guilt Vesper into losing the bet? To fucking ruin her again? Then, Bellamy cleared her throat. “Are you finished with your stretches and stuff?”
She had no right to remember that.
“Why?”
Bellamy sighed and slunk off the bed. “Just didn’t want to get in your way.” Vesper didn’t relax until the bathroom curtain was pulled shut behind Bellamy.
They were off now—wrong, uneven. Whatever it was, Vesper didn’t like it. She’d fucked up. Fucked up comforting Bel, letting her take so much, fucked up snapping at her just then too. Everywhere she looked she was fucking it up. She’d let Bellamy get under her skin, into her thoughts. They needed to get back on even ground. Vesper could not lose control.
Vesper set her book down and did a few cursory stretches. She knew Bellamy would be a while—she’d seen her grab a handful of clothes and her makeup bag and drag them into the bathroom with her. Even doing her stretches hadn’t made her feel better. It was still wrong. The air was too stifling, and her mind latched onto Bellamy like a fucking parasite.
Maybe she was just too tired, or maybe it was because she was hungry. She grabbed her water, a fruit bar, and a pack of jerky. It would all feel normal again once she ate. Bellamy’s behavior was probably just all in her head.
It had been a long time since Vesper had been stuck with Bellamy like this without a break or without being able to distract herself. It was probably just that. That and those fucking kisses Bellamy took. Then, Bellamy pushed back the curtain and Vesper almost choked on her fucking fruit bar. Bellamy eyed her warily.
“I didnotpack that,” Vesper stammered after a few coughs.
