Sophie cocks her head. “From what you’ve been telling me, it was either his parents driving his decisions, or you.”
“Me?”
“Yeah, girl, you.”
I scour my brain, overanalyzing every tiny interaction I’ve had with Karan over the last fourteen years, but I don’t have time to come to a conclusion before Sophie continues on her rant.
“He was either getting pulled in one direction by his parents, or in another direction by you. Is there ever anything Karan did, of his own free will, that came from him?”
“You called for me?” Will interrupts, coming in the living room with a tray of snacks he’s been preparing in the kitchen.
At the sight of him—or rather, the snacks—the kids cry out in glee and swarm him.
“It’s not all about you, sir,” Sophie says, rolling her eyes in jest and giggling, before turning back to me. “So. Tell me. Is there anything Karan ever did that actually came from him? That wasn’t a suggestion or pressure from either you or his parents?”
I open my mouth, ready to list out all the things Karan has going for him, but I find myself struggling to come up with a single one.
Fuck.
Is it really that bad? Before his parents came to the city, Karan was constantly happy. He was driven. He loved his old job.
A job I told him to take.
The weight on my chest doubles in size as a memory surges through my head.
The Ubisoft project.
Not only did they win Best Prototype, but Ubisoft also offered them a job straight out of school. Karan wanted to join his teammates and start his own indie game studio.
I encouraged him to take the job instead.
He trusted me. He took the job. It was hard work, but he thrived in that environment, like I knew he would.
Still, he didn’t give up on his dreams. Whenever he had a moment to himself and the two of us weren’t doing something together, I could find my husband hunched over his computer, his eyes full of stars, pouring passion into his next prototype. He wasn’t multidisciplinary, so the game’s looks and audio were rudimentary, but he had something.
And he loved it.
When the subject of going off on his own and starting an indie game company came up, I should have been excited. What he didn’t know was that mere minutes before he told me about his idea, I’d taken a pregnancy test.
It was positive.
I didn’t force Karan to get me pregnant, though. We’d simply stopped using protection a few months back, both agreeing that whatever happened would happen. It’s just something we didn’t think about when Karan made those plans.
But the rest?
Oh, God.
I cover my mouth with my palm. Sophie places a comforting hand on my shoulder. “Is that a no, then?”
“Sophie, what do I do?”
“You start by calming down.”
Only when she says this do I notice how quick my breathing has gotten. I listen to her and take a few deep breaths.
Further in the living room, the kids and my siblings are too focused—and too loud—to pay us any attention.
Good.
