I nod, staying quiet.
Tania inhales deeply, and I stop breathing, bracing myself.
“I know I’ve been really distant lately. And I want to be the first to apologize for that. I’m really sorry, Sophie. If you’re open to it, I’d like to explain?”
A bit of relief washes through me. “I haven’t been much better. I know I’m busy with the kids, but I could have made abetter effort to text and call regardless. I’m sorry, too.” Tania’s eyes soften. “Go ahead, then.”
“Okay.” She straightens her back and scratches the back of her neck. “You know how I am about kids.”
“Of course.” Tania enjoys kids—at least, when they’re not complete brats—but doesn’t want any of her own. And unless she’s changed her mind since we last spoke, she’s not interested in a romantic relationship, either. Not after losing Miguel. I’m hoping this will change because I have a feeling she’s holding back out of grief. But that’s a story for another day. “But I thought you liked Gwen and Heather.”
“I do. That’s not the problem.” Tania sighs deeply. “I guess I’ve been feeling a bit … ugh. This is so stupid.”
“It’s not stupid if you’re feeling it,” I remind her.
“I guess you’re right.” She rubs the top of her nose. “It’s just … my mom has been hounding me about grandbabies and how I’m not getting any younger.” A thread of anger wraps around my spine for Tania’s sake. What a horrible thing to say to your grieving daughter who has made her desires about children, or lack thereof, clear. “And every time I’m with you, and I spend time with your kids, and see how happy they make you …” She gives me a hard look. “God, Sophie, it makes me feel so guilty. How I’m taking that joy away from my mom.”
“What?” Poor, poor Tania. I scoot closer to her.
“Like, I don’t think I’m missing out on that joy myself. I’m pretty firm on not changing my mind.” She wrings her hands together so tightly her knuckles go white. “But I keep thinking of how it’s unfair of me to take that away from her.”
“Okay, first of all,” I start, indignant on her behalf, “since when do you live your life based on what your mom wants?” As long as I’ve known her, Tania has been a solo agent, never letting anyone dictate her life, especially not her parents. And from what I’ve heard from her siblings, she was quite the rebelteenager. “Second thing, your mom did have that joy. She had three kids, for fuck’s sake. And what about Charlie?” I’ve never met Tania’s niece, but I know she lives in Tania’s hometown along with most of her family. “Isn’t that enough?” It’s also ridiculous that her mom is putting all of that pressure on Tania when her older brother hasn’t had kids yet. I’m guessing that’s the burden of being the youngest child. Not something I’d know anything about.
“I know, I know.” Her voice nearly breaks, but she doesn’t let tears fall. “I’m not sure why I’m letting it get to me, but that’s what’s been going on. I keep feeling so guilty.”
“Tania, I understand that. And I sympathize with that, I really do.” I don’t want Tania to think I’m not hearing her. “But my kids are part of my life. I’ve been a mom for five years now. And with three kids, it’s even harder to untie that part of me from the Sophie I used to be.” As I say this, I immediately think of Will. When I’m with him, I feel like more than just a mom. I feel like a full person. And that’s exactly why I can’t be with him if he only wants the Sophie who’s a mom.
I need more.
Tania nods slowly, her light brown eyes lost in thought. “I see that now. I guess I’m still clinging to the past. When we were carefree.” She smiles absently. “When I had Miguel.”
My heart hurts for her. Now that everything is on the table, I can’t fault her for distancing herself and not making more of an effort to see me. She’s still living in the past and grieving Miguel. It’s not up to me to decide on which timeline she heals.
All I can do is be there for her, as much as I can, and hope she’ll do the same for me.
“Can we both promise to each other that we’ll try a bit more?” I grab her hand and give her a light squeeze. “Woman, I love you. And it sucks you’ve been grieving alone and dealing with that guilt. I want to help you work through that so that you’re happyto spend more time with me even when my kids are around. And it sucks I’ve been feeling so alone with my kids, too. Neither of us deserves that.”
Tania musters a smile, although her eyes are misty. Her lower lip trembles. “I can do that.” She swallows, and a new look transforms her face into a curious expression. “Let’s start right now. You said you needed to talk, so let me hear it. What’s going on?”
I proceed to catch her up on everything. She knows Will; in fact, she’s seen him several times over the years, so I don’t have to explain our history. But shock registers on her face when I tell her everything that happened between us, including Will’s admission about his infertility.
“Shit,” she breathes out when I finish my story. “So what are you going to do now?”
“Well, that’s the thing.” I sigh. “I’m scared shitless. When he told me about wanting to be a dad, it brought back all that pain that Matt caused me. It reminded me how much I could lose.” Even if none of that was Will’s fault. “And I don’t know what scares me more … that Will gets bored of me like Matt did, or that he stays with me just to be a part of the kids’ lives even if he falls out of love with me …”
“Wait a second,” Tania interjects. “You forgot the scenario where he keeps loving you and doesn’t get bored of you or fall out of love with you.” She raises an eyebrow. “You know that’s possible, right? I mean, look at you, woman!” She gestures to me. “You’re any guy’s wet dream. Sure, I’ve got the better curves.” She gestures to herself next, highlighting her voluptuous shape in a teasing manner. Tania is nothing if not confident. “But you’re the whole package, Sophie. You’re hot. You’re driven. You’re smart. You’re kind. And if that man is brave enough not to be intimidated by you, I don’t see how he could ever get bored of you.”
I let Tania’s words sink in for a moment. Maybe she’s right.
“I used to think that, Tania. I truly did. But …” After Matthew, I don’t know what to believe anymore.
“Maybe I’m a hypocrite for saying this,” Tania says with a chuckle, “but you cannot let what Matt did stop you from being happy. Do you love Will?”
“Yes.” There’s no hesitation.
Tania smiles. “There you go, then.”
“I just …” I close my eyes and try to picture what I need.I need to feel safe.
