Will grabs me by the sides of my shoulders, his eyes wild. “What? Why would I do that?”
“You’ve never been in long-term relationships, not as long as I’ve known you. So what changed?”Why me?I want to ask him. “You said you loved me, and I believe you, but for how long will that be? Because I don’t know if I can …” I squeeze a hand to my chest and try to breathe.
It’s all flooding back. The sleepless nights. The red-hot anger, dissipating into deep anguish. Betrayal. Loneliness. A dark cloud choking out every bit of light. “I don’t think I can go through that again, Will …” I let out a choked sob. “I know you’re not Matt, God, I know that now … but how do I know you won’t get sick of this life? I’ll always be a mom first, and everything else comes second.”
“Sophie.” He softly clasps my chin and looks straight into me, his dark eyes a swirl of warmth and something else. I want this to be true. God, I want this to work. So, so much. But the terror of being abandoned again—of being thrown away for someone more exhilarating—is too much to bear.
But I owe it to him to listen.
“How can I make you understand this …” He takes a deep breath. “It’s not just that I don’t mind that you’re a mom, or that I don’t mind your kids … Fuck, Sophie, I love kids. I loveyourkids.” He looks down for a moment, and the hands gripping my shoulder and my chin start trembling. “And I’ll never have any of my own.”
The air escapes my lungs before I can speak. My fingertips go numb with shock. “What?” I can hardly manage more than a whisper.
“I’m sterile,” he explains, his hold on me softening. There’s a sadness in his eyes I wish I could kiss away. “I’ll never be a father. At least …” A soft smile appears on his lips. “Not to any biological children of my own. But I want to be, Sophie.” A shiver crawls up my spine. “I know your kids have a father, and I’m not trying to replace Matt … But I want you to understand this. I don’t just love you in spite of your kids. They’re a part of you. I love all of you.”
No, no, no.
This can’t be true.
Memories of the past month flash back across my brain in a fevered sequence. Will, holding Julian lovingly when he first came to my house. His nephews and my daughters playing at the park. Will taking care of us when we were sick.
Everything that brought us closer together … it was allthem. Not me.
Moments earlier, I was wondering why me. What made me so special that I was worthy to be loved by William Béchard when so many others fell short?
Now I know why.
“You … want to be a father?” The words come out in a creak.
He grasps my hand in a desperate pull. “Are you kidding? Of course I do. If it’s not already obvious how much I love spending time with those angels, I absolutely want this.”
Nausea grips me like a vice. I scoot away, just an inch. I can’t bear to be too close, yet I can’t bear to pull away completely.
“So … you’re with me, partially, because you’ll never be a father otherwise.” The words burn like acid as they crawl out of my throat.
“Wait. That’s not what I said,” he stammers, and I see panic light up his eyes.
Of course he’s going to deny it. Maybe he doesn’t even realize it himself. Maybe he’s blinded himself into thinking he loves me when what he truly loves is my family.
But I’m worth more than that. Fuck, I deserve more than any of them ever gave me. I deserve to be loved for who I am. For me and me alone.
Why am I only realizing this now?
Suddenly, I’m so very exhausted. I need space. I need to let this all settle down. Because as much as I love this man … I respect myself more.
I press a finger to his lips before he can say any more. “Just … don’t. Okay?” I close my eyes. “I need to think.”
“Think about what?” His voice trembles.
“Us.” A tear rolls down my cheek. “I need to take a step back. Think things over.”
He tugs on my hands again. “Sophie. Please. It’s not like that. I love you. Just you. I?—”
“Please stop.” I pull my hands away. I’m not screaming, or angry, or bitter. Just tired. “No words will help. I just need space.” I look up at him through wet eyelashes. “Can you give that to me? Please?”
Pain flickers in his eyes, sending a jolt through my entire body. I don’t want to hurt him. Of course I don’t. I love him, damn it.
And I so desperately want him to love me back exactly in the same way I love him. But I’m not so sure he really does. Not anymore.
