“Every hateful word you can say about them is true, and more,” Will adds. There’s a flash of indescribable pain in his eyes. “But I’m no better.”
“What?” How can he even compare himself to them? I exhale softly. Unless he’s about to tell me he piled onto the abuse with them, I can’t fathom why he’d say something like that about himself.
He’s quiet for a moment. A sinking feeling overtakes my bones.No, it can’t be.“Wait, Will … you didn’t …”
“I ran away.” The words come out strangled—his grip tightens on my hands again, and my fingers go numb. “I was a coward, Sophie.” The tears come streaming down, breaking my heart in two. “I should have stepped in to protect her. I was a grown man, for fuck’s sake!” A sob racks through his body, and I hold him close. “But I couldn’t face it, I couldn’t look at it?—”
“I’m here.”
“And I can hardly look at her now, because every time I do, I see the little girl I abandoned, and I can’t, I?—”
“I’ve got you.”
I hold onto Will as he sinks his head into my chest, allowing the sobs to overtake him. It’s suddenly so clear to me now. The partying. The drugs. All that time spent with Matt.
He couldn’t bear to be alone. He couldn’t bear to be sober.
I can’t even imagine the shame he must feel. And for what? For something that was never his fault. Never his responsibility.
“Maybe you were a grown man,” I begin, gently stroking his short hair, “But you were still so young. And not equipped to deal with this at all. It’s not your fault.”
“I should have been there for her,” he says, teeth gritted.
“Are you there now?”
He struggles to breathe, each breath coming in ragged and quick gasps. I lock eyes with him, taking deep, measured breaths, hoping to guide him. Gradually, and with visible effort, his breathing steadies, aligning with mine in a soothing rhythm.
I repeat my question. “So, are you there now?”
He takes in one long, deep inhale before he dares to try to speak. “I want to be. I didn’t lie about this weekend. I want to start being there for her. I’m done running away.” His eyes travel downward again. “But I don’t think anything can make up for what I’ve done.”
I cup his face. “Look at me.” He does. “You can’t punish yourself for their mistakes. It’s theirs, not yours.”
His brow furrows. “You’re not … upset about this?”
“Of course I’m upset!” I force myself to keep my voice down, not wanting to wake the kids. “I’m upset that your parents are such assholes. I’m upset that you’re torturing yourself over this. Fuck, Will, I love you, and all I want right now is to take that pain away.” If I could, I would take it all upon myself to wipe his slate clean.
He takes such good care of me. Of us. He has to see that, right?
“You must already think I’m not trustworthy. I thought this would drive it home. That I can’t be relied on.”
“Will, all you’ve shown me for the past month is how much I can rely on you. And I want to. This doesn’t change that.”
At my words, a deep sigh of relief washes through him, and he sinks deeper against me, his body finally relaxed.
“Thank you for sharing this with me,” I say. “It means a lot.” He pulls away, cupping my cheek and giving me a loving look. He finally smiles, bringing the light back into the world. He needs to know how important he is to me. “It means so much that you’re here.” I snicker. “I know I’m a lot to deal with.”
"What do you mean?” Puzzled, he gently takes a loose strand of my hair and tucks it behind my ear, his fingers brushing lightly against my skin.
“Are you kidding?” I gesture at myself. “I keep having to pinch myself to be sure I’m not dreaming. Because this all feels too good, too perfect, and …” My insecurities come flooding back in. But this time, I’m not scared.
I feel safe enough to share them with him.
“Being a mom was a choice for me. I don’t regret that choice for a second. But it’s a choice. And it gets hard over time, Will. It really does.” I take a breath to steady myself. “I can’t stop wondering, how long will you want this? How long will you want me?” I can do this. I can let him see my biggest fear. “How long until you get bored and move on to the next exciting thing? Until this domestic life I have with my kids is no longer fun for you?” I bite my bottom lip so hard I taste copper. “Maybe it’s okay for now. But what about a year from now? Two years from now? Five? What about when one of the kids decides they want to crawl into bed with me and you can’t have sex with me for weeks or even months on end? This is my life, Will. One hundred percent of the time. I can’t opt out when it gets hard, but you can, and one day, you will, and I’m terrified of that day. I never want it to come.” My eyes burn with tears that want to burst out. I let them.
My heart hammers against my chest so fast it’s almost painful. I’m raw, completely bare in front of him. Utterlyexposed. I thought I was being vulnerable with him earlier. But that was nothing.
This is everything.
