“Okay,” I whisper with a small nod. “You don’t have to let it go.” Having a friend who’s willing to truly be there for me, kids and all, is invaluable right now.
Something passes in his gaze. Is it relief? I’m not sure. “I can’t explain how much that means to me,” he says.
Something brushes my foot underneath the table, but I don’t move when I realize it must be Will’s leg. A flutter of butterflies fills my stomach at this slight touch. But it takes me about a second to regain my senses and move my foot away. Will is still looking at me, not a hint of reaction from the small contact we just shared.
“You should finish your meal,” I say, gesturing to his plate, which is still half-full. I stand and grab my dishes to bring them to the sink.
While I’m rinsing my dishes, Will calls out, “Would you be up for a walk? It’s gorgeous out, and I think some fresh air would do you some good after being camped inside for this long.”
I hum in agreement. “I just need to check my email first.” Hopefully, none of my clients have sent me urgent messages while I’ve been out for the last thirty-six hours.
He gives me an approving nod. “Good idea.”
While he finishes his meal, I open my laptop and sift through my email. Luckily, nothing urgent came up. I send out a few update emails to my ongoing clients so they don’t think I’ve forgotten about them. Hopefully, I can catch up on the workload in the evenings when I’m feeling like myself again.
Once I’m done, I go change Julian into warmer clothes and bundle him up in his autumn outdoor gear. I take out the stroller from the wardrobe in the entrance and place Julian inside, thenhead to my room to quickly get changed. I’ve been wearing the same baggy clothes for much too long.
Once I’m changed into a pair of leggings and one of my favourite pink long-sleeved athleisure shirts, I walk back out to join Will, who’s putting on his coat and boots. Within a few minutes, we’re both walking side by side, with me pushing Julian’s stroller. Will offered to do it, but holding onto the stroller gives me stability.
The crisp air sends a fresh reviving wave of life in me, and feeling the warmth of the sun against my cheeks brings a smile to my face. There’s almost no wind today; just enough for the golden, orange, and bright red leaves above our heads to gently sway in an entrancing dance.
These past two—or three, I’m still fuzzy on the details—days have simultaneously felt like an eternity and a blip. It’s not that I enjoyed being sick, but in our little bubble away from the rest of the world, I felt … at peace.
Safe.
And I haven’t truly felt that way in a long, long time. Not since before I learned the truth about Matt.
By the time we’re back at the house, it’s almost noon; the sun shines overhead, promising a beautiful afternoon. Will was right about the fresh air doing me some good. As I carry Julian back indoors, Will following behind with the stroller, I scan my body for any sign of nausea or pain. There is none. While I’m relatively weaker than usual, I’m miles away from where I began.
My stomach drops. I don’t need Will’s help anymore. By now, I can breastfeed Julian and care for him without wanting to die. Tomorrow morning, Matt is bringing the girls back, and I don’t see myself struggling to care for them at all.
The right thing to do would be to send Will home. After all, he must have work to do. I’m unlikely to be his only client. Sowhy does the idea of ushering him away fill my stomach with lead?
Still, it must be done. It was nice to lean on him for a moment, but he’s not the kids’ father. Or my partner. I need to continue on my own. “I’m feeling a lot better!” I exclaim exaggeratedly, almost as soon as he closes the door behind us. I walk to the living room to place Julian down on his playmat, then put my hands on my hips. Will leans against the doorframe of the living room with a raised eyebrow. He seems to be waiting for me to continue.
I oblige him.
“I think I’ll be fine now,” I say, my hands still on my hips. If I exude confidence, maybe he’ll believe me.
“Fine?” The corners of his lips lift slightly.
“Yes.” I swallow. “I promise. But … thank you for everything. I really can’t say it enough. I’m going to be just fine.”
Will’s mouth opens as if he’s going to say something. But then he tightens his lips again. Those lifted corners have drooped back down. “Okay,” he nods, moving away from the frame. “If you say so. But I don’t want you to hesitate for a second to call or text if you need me again.” He turns towards the entrance to make his way out.
My heart catches in my throat. A strong sense of need pulls from within my belly, and I want to run to him, stop him from leaving, lift my lips close to his ear and tell him I need himnow.
No, Sophie. Down, girl.
Instead, I slowly walk to the frame and let him grab the doorknob. “I will. Promise.”
His eyes catch mine. “I’ll hold you to that,” he says, right before opening the door and exiting my house.
I whoosh out a breath. I’m alone with Julian, as I should be. So why does it suddenly feel so wrong?
Returning to the living room to sit with my son and play along with him, I consider these conflicting emotions swimming around in my body. If I’m going to be friends with Will, I need to make sure these raging hormones aren’t going to veer me off course. I definitely need to get back out there. In the dating pool.
Something I haven’t done in over ten years.
