“There you go.” I adjust Heather’s position so she’s leaning against me instead of sitting on me. With both arms free, I start to focus on Julian. The easiest thing to settle him will have to be the breast. In just a few seconds, I manage to free one breast from my breastfeeding shirt and bra; my entire body relaxes when Julian latches and stops crying.
Okay. I’ve got this.
Even though she’s calm, Heather is still crying softly against me, but I use my spare arm to stroke her hair. It’s just a matter of time before she relaxes, which will allow me to have a conversation with her to remind her about gentle hands. Then, I’ll have to talk to Gwen. I feel bad for sending her to her room, but it was all I could do to separate the girls.
Pretty soon, Julian is asleep at my breast. I carefully stand and let Heather know I’ll be right back, then bring Julian back into his crib. Luckily, he doesn’t wake up when I let go of him.
I have a quick talk with Heather before I go straight downstairs to see Gwen. After what feels like an eternity after Avery left, I’ve finally brought peace back to my household. All in a day’s work.
Hours later, I’ve put the girls to bed without too much trouble. I sit at the kitchen table and stare at my phone. Iknow Avery just left, but I’m already craving some company. Wrangling three kids is lonely work.
I send a text to Tania, one of my other closest friends.
Sophie
What are you up to tonight? Wanna come hang out?
I wait, my toes curling with anticipation. But I deflate when her answer comes in.
Tania
Can’t - having drinks with Sara and Jess.
She doesn’t bother inviting me, even though we’re both friends with Sara and Jess; she knows very well that I’ll decline. I’m not one of those moms who refuses to go out of the house with her kids.
Quite the opposite.
On some occasions, I’ve even woken up the girls to head over to a friend’s house and put them back to sleep there so I didn’t have to stay home alone. But having drinks isn’t really a family-friendly scene. So I’m out of options.
I groan and drop my face against my arms lying on the table. While I don’t expect my friends to change their lifestyles to accommodate mine, I’d like them to put in a bit more effort to be inclusive.
It wasn’t an issue before. If Matthew wasn’t already out, he’d stay with his daughters while I joined my friends for whatever outing they were having. Sure, he wasn’t the most helpful with diapers, feedings, or tantrums. Still—it was better than nothing.
But now …
Now, I’d rather suffer through eternity alone before having him back in this house. Almost ten years down the drain, and for what?
I wrack my brain to think of someone else to call. But before I’ve had the chance to think any further, Julian’s cries erupt out of his room.
I look at the clock above the kitchen table; yup, it’s 8:30 p.m. That sounds about right. As much as I’ve tried to set Julian down for the night earlier, he always wakes up around this time. It doesn’t leave me with a lot of time for myself. By the point he’s usually asleep again, I’m already exhausted and ready for bed. But I’ll stay up another hour and catch up on my reality TV shows out of spite.
I get to have time for me too, damn it.
A minute later I’m sitting on the couch with Julian at my breast. I don’t like watching TV when I’m breastfeeding him this late; the light disturbs his sleep. If I want to have a good night’s sleep, I need to put all the chances on my side to make sure Julian does, too.
Instead, I scroll my phone with my free hand. I’ve been doom-scrolling for a few minutes when a sponsored post catches my eye:Wish you could grow your business and spend more time with your family at the same time?
Huh. I keep reading, intrigued. The truth is, my party planning business is running pretty smoothly. I’ve got a full-time virtual assistant who works remotely and handles a lot of the admin stuff, but I also have a full-time planning assistant who’s in Montréal. I don’t feel that she’s ready to take on full plans on her own yet, but she does a lot of the heavy lifting. Both of them, Maya and Rosalie, have been a godsend, especially since Julian was born.
Despite this, I’m still stuck. Since I have custody of the girls every other week and have Julian full-time until I’m donebreastfeeding, I have very limited time to invest back into my business. When our family was whole, everything was so much easier. But now I’m home most days.
Which isn’t always a bad thing. I love my kids to death. I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world. And I constantly crave spending more time with them. But it also means I’m bottlenecked. I can’t take on more than a few clients at a time. Yet I know it’s going to get better soon. The older Julian gets, the more time I’ll have to start focusing on my business again and bring home a bigger paycheck to give these kids everything they deserve.
I continue reading the ad. This seems to be some sort of consultancy for local businesses. Their offer is eerily specific to what I’m looking for; they work one-on-one with the business owner to get your shit under control so you can grow your business without overworking yourself to death. Okay, cool.
It’s certainly interesting. I can’t say I’m not tempted to book a meeting with them. But at the same time, I’m not sure I need them at all.
Yes, things are hard right now, and I’m feeling a bit worse for wear as I’m balancing the kids and my business. Yes, I could definitely have a better support system.
