But I’m not helpless. I’m good at what I do. There’s a reason I’ve grown this business enough to hire two full-time employees. It’s the same reason clients have come back to me over and over again, for years on end.
I’m a damn genius at party planning, and I’m proud of it.
Every milestone I’ve hit was thanks to hard work, grit, and determination. Seeing the numbers go up—and reading my clients’ glowing testimonials for my work—makes me feel whole.
I was born for this. And I was also born to be a mom. So I’m not giving up yet. I can do this on my own.
Convinced, I click away from the ad and keep scrolling. I smile to myself. Even though I won’t be booking a meeting with this firm, I’m quite satisfied I came across their ad. Because now that they’ve planted this idea in my head, I won’t let it go.
I want to keep building this business. Maybe this challenge is just what I need to get me out of this spiral of loneliness. I’m not going to spend any longer feeling sorry for myself.
I realize Julian is no longer drinking. When I look down, his eyes are closed and he’s fully still. My little angel is asleep. There’s a pang in my heart. Some days, there’s too much love for me to contain it all, and it threatens to undo me.
Gently, so as not to wake him, I carry Julian back to his cot, then head to the kitchen to make myself some herbal tea. But I’ve only just turned my kettle on when there’s a knock at the door.
I look at the clock above the kitchen table; it’s a few minutes past 9 p.m. Who would visit me at this hour without any warning?
Before I head to the door, I give myself a quick look-over. I’m only wearing my thick, fluffy robe, but my boobs aren’t hanging out, so we’re all good. In a few strides, I’m at the door, still wondering who this could be.
I open the heavy black door, and my heart lurches. Standing in the doorway is the father of my children.
Matthew.
CHAPTER 2
WILL
“I’m in love with you, Will.”
Shit.
I stop chewing my club sandwich mid-bite, blinking a couple of times. Across the table from me, Christine’s eyes are lit up with a passion that I unfortunately cannot reciprocate.
My chest burns with guilt. I finish my bite and swallow the food, although I can’t get the lump in my throat to dissipate. Carefully, I place a hand on hers and take a deep breath.
She’s even done up her red hair in loose curls, the way I like it. God damn.
When the skin of our hands meets, she perks up even more, but as soon as she notices the look in my eyes, her light dims. “Oh, no.”
“Look, Christine,” I begin, tasting bile at the back of my throat, “you’re a wonderful woman. And I’ve really enjoyed our time together these past few months. But …”
“You don’t …” Her green eyes turn glassy, and her lower lip trembles. “Love me?”
If only I could say I do. If only I were capable of feeling this way. Unfortunately, this situation has been a repeat of every other relationship I’ve had over the last ten years.
Which is to say, a dud.
“I’m sorry.” I try to sound as sincere as I feel. I gently squeeze her hand, but she pulls it away, holding it close to her chest. A tear falls from her eye, which now reflects back the hurt I knew I would cause. “I didn’t want to lead you on. I sincerely wanted to see how things would go. I didn’t realize you …” Of course I didn’t realize how into me she was. I’ve been spending way too much time at the office. I couldn’t award her the attention she deserves.
“Well, I do.” She swallows, trying hard not to completely fall apart in front of me. “So, what, you’re breaking up with me? Because I said I’m in love with you?”
I close my eyes for a moment. “I just don’t think it’s possible for me.” I leave out the part where I’m starting to think it may not be possible at all with any woman—not just with Christine.
I think of my sister Rachel, who’s happily married with two adorable twin boys. Why can’t I have that? Why can’t I fall in love and have kids of my own?
I used to think only the second half of that equation was impossible for me, and that the first half could be within my grasp. But if I can’t fall for someone like Christine, who is perfect for me in theory, maybe none of it will ever happen.
She’s smart. She’s driven, inspirational. And to top it off, she’s beautiful.
