“Hear me out,” I continue. “Logan, I know how you’re feeling, okay? Shit, that’s why I came here! You know that. But you’re not going to get better by doing something that doesn’t ignite your passion. That doesn’t light you up. And this summer job obviously doesn’t light you up.”
“That’s not true,” he retorts, but his voice is calm.
“Isn’t it?” I let out a frustrated sigh. How can I make him understand? “You’re a genius, Logan. I can’t stand to see you do this to yourself. That’s one of the reasons I keep asking you when you’re going back to your real job. Your programming job. I remember how much computer stuff would make you light up. You’re not going to find inspiration and get that energy back without doing what you love. Don’t you love it?”
“I do,” he says sheepishly. “But?—”
“And I also want to know because—and I thought I’d made this obvious—I want to tackle this next chapter with you. And I can’t do that if I don’t know what’s next. And I’m glad you just told me everything because now I can help you through this. And if you want to change things up for real, maybe I can help you negotiate a work-from-home agreement with your job, and we can go somewhere, maybe we could travel to Europe, or Bali, or anywhere you want. I don’t care where it is …” Shit, why can’t I stop talking? “As long as we’re both there, I really don’t care, Logan, because I?—”
“Avery, stop. Please stop.” His tone is dry. Outside, it’s starting to rain. Fog is beginning to creep through the peaks and valleys, obscuring the vistas.
“I’m not going to stop,” I argue. My heart is going to beat out of my chest. “You have a gift, and I’m telling you, if you don’t use it, you’re just going to keep being miserable and?—”
“They fired me,” he interrupts.
My blood goes cold. For a moment, I’m too stunned to speak. Then he continues. “I don’t have a job to go back to in San Fransisco. I have nothing to go back to, in fact. I emptied out my apartment and brought everything back to Canada. I don’t have a green card anymore without a job.” He doesn’t sound angry at me. He just sounds so … tired. “That call at the restaurant the other day? It was HR. They just needed some info to send me my final paycheck.”
My heart hurts for him. I just wish he weren’t driving so I could hold him and touch my lips to his. “That’s so shitty,” I start. “I’m so sorry to hear that, Logan. But you don’t need to give up. There are plenty of other places that I’m sure will want your?—”
“You wanna know the reason they fired me?” he bites back. “I’ve burnt out, Avery. And I wasn’t getting better. The brutal deadlines, the ruthless competition, all the pressure? It drained every last bit of joy from coding. This resort job might not be glamorous, but at least I can breathe.”
I go quiet, a little stunned. When I imagined Logan’s programming career, I pictured fast-paced excitement, not soul-crushing stress.
I’ve been an idiot.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize?—”
The rain is coming down hard now, blurring the road ahead into a smudgy canvas. Logan’s face is half cast in shadow, his eyes stormy. “Of course you didn’t. This whole time you’ve just been trying to fix this instead of listening.”
“That’s not true,” I argue. “I’m listening, Logan. I’m just trying to help?—”
“I don’t need your help!” he screams. “I’m not helpless, Avery. God. You always used to do this. You haven’t changed.”
My stomach feels full of lead. “What are you talking about?”
“You were always trying to defend me. Do you know how embarrassing it was to have a girl standing up for me in front of those immature bullies? Don’t you think it made them want to bully me even more, thinking I couldn’t stand up for myself? Did you ever consider that?” I’ve never seen Logan this angry. He’s hardly ever angry in the first place. But now he’s close to seething.
But I’m pretty close to it, too. “So, what did you want me to do? Leave them to beat you up? Just stand there like an idiot and do nothing? Just watch them hurt you? No way I was going to do that.”
“I get that, but it wasn’t your place,” he bites back. “And neither is this. Whatever the way out of this burnout is for me, I don’t need you to fix it. All I want is to have you here with me.”
“But I can’t stand to see you in pain!” I yell, a mix of anger and frustration. “If only you’d just let me help you see that you’re not living up to your potential?—”
“Please,stop,” he says quietly, but firmly. “God … is this why Jasper left you?”
Lightning goes through my chest. A tense beat passes. Logan exhales harshly, regret plain on his face. “Avery … I didn’t mean?—”
“Stop the car,” I choke out. We’ve entered the outskirts of a small town, and Logan pulls over to the curb.
“Avery, wait,” Logan begs. “I’m so sorry?—”
Before he can get another word out, I throw open the door and storm off into the rain, the panic clawing its way out of my throat with a scream.
CHAPTER20
My breath comes in ragged gasps as I race blindly through the downpour. Fat raindrops pelt my skin, mixing with the hot tears streaming down my cheeks. Sobs threaten to rupture through my chest but get trapped in my tightening throat.
I’m spiralling, my vision blurring around the edges. It feels like hands are wrapped around my windpipe, squeezing until black spots dance across my eyes. I try desperately to get air into my burning lungs.
