“I …” He looks down. With his face like this, I can’t read his gaze. “I guess I’m still figuring it out.”
“Okay, cool, cool,” I say, trying to keep my voice steady. I can’t figure out what’s going on, and I don’t want to come across as needy, but it comes out anyway. “Well, I’d love for you to keep me in the loop when you figure it out. Because, from where I’m standing, it certainly looks like you’re treating this as a summer fling.”
He jerks his head up at me. There’s hurt in his eyes. “That’s not it at all.”
“Isn’t it?” I cross my arms and try to keep breathing. The pitch of my voice is getting out of control. “Like I said, Logan, I’ve got, like, a week and a half left here. And just so we’re crystal clear, in case I haven’t made it obvious yet, I don’t want this to be a summer fling.”
There we go. I’m ready to lay my cards on the table.
“Logan, I’m ready to do the work to keep you in my life this time. I’m not going to flake and run away when it gets hard for me.” Tears begin to fill my eyes, but I keep them down. I don’t want to make a scene. “Because I am so, so sorry I abandoned you back then. I really am. I wish so hard I could take it back. But I can’t. And this time, I don’t want to walk out of your life. I’m serious. But I need to know what you want. Because I can’t bear being abandoned again.”
A look of confusion crosses his face. “Again?”
I immediately realize how this must have come off to him. How it seems like I’m blaming him for abandoning me when the opposite is true.
I don’t have a choice anymore. I have to tell him. “My dad left.”
“What?”
I rub my face with my palms. “He’s out of the country. I know he’s alive, but that’s all I know. He’s completely MIA. I thought I could rely on him, and I was wrong.” I look up at him with fire in my eyes. “So I need to know if I can rely on you. Or if I should start preparing myself for another heartbreak.”
He takes a deep breath. His eyes are dark and sad. “Shit, Avery. That’s such a shitty thing for him to do. I’m so sorry.” He rubs the back of his neck. “I do want you in my life, Avery. I don’t want to abandon you. Far from it. And I believe you. And I don’t hold what happened back then against you.” He moves forward and wraps me in an embrace. His breath is hot against my neck. Everything feels a bit better here. “You were going through a lot. Your entire life got uprooted. Again. I’m just so disappointed I could do nothing to help you through it. And seeing how much you’re going through again, there’s nothing I want more than to help you this time around.”
For a moment, we stand there in each other’s arms. His scent blends with the smell of the outdoors in one soothing concoction. I wish I could bottle this up and put it on my pillow.
Still against my ear, Logan continues: “I’ve just got some shit I need to figure out before I can give you a clear answer. The last thing I want to do is lie. So I don’t want to tell you anything I don’t know.”
I pull away just enough to look into his eyes. “What kind of shit?” I ask, hoping he will open up and tell me.
But instead, he only shakes his head. “I’ll let you know when I know. I promise.”
“I can help you figure it out,” I continue. “If you’re not sure what to do, or if it’s got nothing to do with me … I’m here for you.”
He just nods. “I know.”
The conversation doesn’t go any further than that. We make our way back, a bit more quietly than before. I can feel something is significantly different about the way he’s walking, talking, and looking at me. And I just wish I could know what’s on his mind so I can help him with it.
The evening ends as it always does—in my bed, the two of us coming undone together. I remain in his arms afterward, and just before I drift into sleep, I can’t help but think everything’s going to be okay after all.
But when I wake up the next morning, Logan is gone.
CHAPTER18
Logan’s side of the bed is cold. He’s been gone for a while, then. Slightly panicked, I look around the cabin’s only room, hoping he’s just making coffee, or preparing breakfast, or taking a shower, orsomething.
The door to the bathroom is open, so he isn’t there. And he isn’t in the kitchen corner, either. I get up from the bed and slip on the closest piece of clothing I can find, then make my way outside to see if he’s hanging out there.
Nothing.
I try to ignore the sinking feeling in my stomach. Maybe he just went to get us breakfast. But he’s never done it without telling me first. He’ll always kiss me awake and let me know where he’s going. He has never just up and left without warning before.
Still, that could be it. Maybe he just wanted to let me sleep. I think back to the day of the storm out at sea, where he let me sleep through dinner. The night we first had sex. I feel queasy with the mix of dread and fondness at the memory.
But this is probably just my anxiety trying to sabotage me again. There’s most likely nothing to be worried about. Instead of falling prey to this feeling and diving deeper into my own thoughts, I do the logical thing and grab my phone.
I send Logan a text:
Hey, where did you go? I didn’t get my good morning kiss.
