“What’s your plan here?We’re going to get married?”I lay on as much sarcasm to the question as I can, so at least one of us will believe this is a bad idea.“You’re going to lose your home and your sister will be carted away to relations, or she’ll get a job as a governess, which she’ll hate because you rich kids are terrible.Or she’ll get married to some monster.And Queen Victoria will probably pay for our wedding, but I don’t know where we’re going to live after that.And while owning all the land and making people work on it while you steal the majority of the profits isn’t great, you’re probably better than a lot of the alternatives of this time, so all your tenants will be screwed with a new landowner.Andthen,when everyone finds out I’m a liar, we can both go to jail.Is that what you want?A honeymoon in Newgate?”
Leo, to his credit, lets me get all that out without interrupting.And then he waits a little longer.
“Well?Do you have something to say to that?”
“I love you.”
“No.”A tear leaks out of the corner of my eye.“I disallow it.”
“You disallow my love for you?”Leo smiles tenderly, not at all affected by my edict.
“Yes.It is forbidden.I have forbidden it.You can’t.”
“But I do.”
“Shut up!”I cover my ears.It works for toddlers, right?The if-I-can’t-hear-it-it-isn’t-true method of approaching life.
He gently takes my hands and tugs them down from my ears, then doesn’t let them go.“I love you,” he says again.
“Why?”
“Why?We’ve gone from ‘You can’t’ to ‘why’?”
“Yes.Why?”
“Because you challenge me and make me better.Because you are fun and genuine and intelligent and unlike any woman I have ever met, in the best way.I cannot imagine being with anyone else.”
I sigh.
“Is there something you want to tell me?”
“No.”I scowl at him for emphasis.
“Anything at all?”
“No.Well, there is one thing.You can’t love me.”But my voice isn’t as sure as it was before.
“Anythingelseyou would like to say to me?”His voice is patient, like he has all the time in the world.But time has always been our issue.
“I can’t love you either.Especially because you’re such an irritating, problematic person.You have benefited from unearned privilege and it’s infuriating.And you both don’t take things seriously, and also sometimes aretooresponsible and it really interferes with me putting you in the box of useless hedonist.And you’re also kind of considerate, remembering what I like and using that to make me happy.Who does that?I don’t like it even a little bit.”
Leo opens and closes his mouth.“I must admit, I was not expecting that response.”
But I’m still on a roll.“And you haven’t let go of my hands.And I can’t stop thinking about you when we aren’t together.I shouldn’t be here, and at any time I may have to leave.But I don’t even know if I even want to.I’m thinking about giving up the internet and air conditioning and planes, just to be with you.And you don’t even know what those things are.It’s confusing.And I don’t like being confused.”
“I have never told a woman that I love her, but I donotthink this is the usual response.”
“This is what you get!”I’m yelling now.I finally snatch my hands back.“And you only like me because I’m different, but if you were able to come back with me, you would see I’m not special.Then you’d regret telling me you love me.”
“Impossible.”
“How would you know?You’ve never met anyone like me, remember.I’mcurious.”
“I do not know that there is anything I could say to sway you right now.You would have to trust that I know my feelings; you would have to trustme.And over time, you would see that your trust was rightly placed.”
“I don’t have time!”
“You have now.I am not asking you to stay here for me; I do not know if that is even possible.I do not understand time travel.And I do not know if it is fair to ask you to give up such wonders even if it were a choice.But at the very least, I would like to spend every moment you are here, with you.”
