When I see the round, coin-shaped charm, I know exactly what it is. A sobriety chip. Tears sting my eyes as I trace the edge of it with my thumb, and pain lances my heart with a thousand knife wounds when I realize its significance.
“Oh, Jayson,” I whisper. I clutch the medallion tighter, like I can absorb some of his pain and carry it for him.
“I had lost everything. You, Ry, both my daughters. Julien.” His voice is raw, each syllable scraping against an invisible wound only he can feel. “When I found out Ry was sick, I drove to a lake and sat there. I looked at the moonlight reflecting off the water, and one thought kept twisting in my mind. How easy it would be to just roll down the windows, drive right in?—”
Oh my god, no. No.
“—and just disappear, so the world wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore.”
A sob climbs its way up my esophagus, but I swallow it down. He needs me to hear him, so I keep quiet and let the tears flow, not bothering to wipe them away.
When he looks at me again, his face is filled with a pain so deep, it nearly drowns me. “Instead of driving into the lake that night, I drove myself to a clinic. I’d tried a couple times before, but it never stuck. This last time, it did. It’s why I couldn’t come. It’s taking me this long to claw my way back, but I did it. I did it, Liz.”
“A year,” I hush out when I see the markings on the medallion.
“A year and two months. I tripped a few times along the way, but I finally made it.”
He spent three years in hell, struggling to get better. That’s what he was talking about last night.
Overcome by his confession, I give him back his necklace, and he puts it on.
“I am so,soincredibly proud of you.”
I know more about addiction and recovery than I care to think about. Partly from stuff we covered in some of my pre-med classes. Partly from working my rotation in the ER. Overdoses, drunk driving fatalities…it was all horrible to witness.
“Thanks, Liz. But I chose to travel down that road, and I take full responsibility for the wreckage I left in my wake. I’m sodamn sorry, Princess. I failed you and our daughter. I failed Ry and my family. I failed Bethany.”
Not going to lie. When I found out through Julien that he had another daughter, it gutted me. Elizabeth Ann never got a chance to live. It was like she was replaced, and Jayson finally got the daughter he had always wanted…with another woman.Bethany. Her namesake doesn’t escape me either. Jayson even named her after Elizabeth Ann, like he could replace what we lost. I don’t know if that’s actually true, but it’s what I inferred at the time.
“How is Bethany?”
Julien and their parents never talk about her in front of me. I’ve seen a few pictures of her, mostly of her as a young girl. Dark hair. Brown eyes. Sad eyes, I remember thinking.
He rubs the back of his neck. “She’s twenty-four now. She, uh…she doesn’t want me in her life. I haven’t spoken to her in years. Diana got full custody after the divorce, and I got bi-weekly weekend visitation rights. On her sixteenth birthday, she told me she never wanted to see me again. I showed up drunk to her party.”
I thought my heart couldn’t break any more, but another fissure opens up. “What about now? Have you seen her since your recovery?”
He solemnly shakes his head no. “Enough about my depressing life, I want to hear about you. Medical school? That’s amazing, Liz.”
I don’t press for more, even though I still have a gazillion questions I want to ask him. Smiling, I reply, “Loved every second. The sleepless nights and twelve-hour shifts, I could do without. You probably already know, but I worked in cancer research at Duke. I retired early when…” When Ryder was diagnosed.
“Marcus is the spitting image of Ry. I couldn’t believe it. I’ve seen pictures of Charlotte and Christopher. You and Ry created a beautiful family.”
“Thank you.”
His words hit hard, but the loss of what we had hits harder. Most of my formative years were spent with him, Ryder, and Julien. Every day, seven days a week. It was always the four of us against the world. But then, I fell in love with my two best friends, and everything changed.
Jayson glances past me, his gaze unfocused like he’s searching for something. “This may sound weird coming from me, but I’m glad you chose him. I’m glad he got a life with you.”
The floodgates open wider as more tears spill down my face. “You should have been a part of that life.”
I know it’s selfish to think. In the end, I chose Ryder. I made a choice. And Jayson left because of it. But the broken part of my heart that has always belonged to him has never fully healed.
Using the backs of his knuckles, he brushes down the apple of my cheek. “I know it might be too late, but I’m here now.”
Tilting my head, I nuzzle my cheek against his hand. “It’s never too late.”
He drops his hand to his lap. “So…you and Fallon, huh?”
