Like a knife penetrating deep, then violently twisting, I fly awake on a gasp, clutching my chest as my heart tries to rip itself from my body.
I swipe at the tears I cried in my sleep and collapse back onto the couch cushions. Holy shit, that was…gut-wrenching. I haven’t had a dream like that in weeks. It felt so real.
I take a minute to get my bearings. It’s still dark, no glimmer of sunlight teasing the horizon. The fire is still going, but its radiating warmth doesn’t help dispel the cold of the emotional tumult my mind just experienced.
I instinctively search for my phone—wanting to call Fallon, needing to hear his voice, needing to tell him that I love him—before remembering that I left it on the kitchen counter.
I turn my head. Jayson is sound asleep. I tap his shoulder to wake him up. “I just had the most surreal dream. I saw Elizabeth Ann.” I blow out a breath, wanting to recall some parts of the dream but not the others. “She had your eyes and smile and that dimple on your left cheek.” I try to process everything. The joy of seeing her and Ryder and my family. Holding Elizabeth Ann for the first time. The anguish of losing them again when they started to fade. “I’m not going to be able to fall back asleep. Want some coffee?” I sit up and nudge his leg.
He doesn’t move. Doesn’t stir.
“Jayson?” I shake him more aggressively.
No response.
I grip his shoulders and shake harder. “Jayson, wake up.”
Nothing.
His head lolls to the side when I push him back against the couch. I smack his cheeks. “Stop it. You’re scaring me,” I tell him, my voice rising in panic.
Nothing.
“Jayson!”
He’s too still. Too quiet.
“Jayson, please—” I whimper.
My hand violently trembles as I search for a pulse at the side of his neck.
No, no, no, no, no.
I press my ear to his chest. There’s no rise and fall. No breath…
…no heartbeat.
“You can’t have him!” I shout to God. To Ryder. To Elizabeth Ann. “Damn you,you can’t have him!”
I slide to the floor and throw myself over Jayson, administering CPR with desperate compressions to his chest. Hot tears pour down my cheeks and wick into his shirt.
I won’t. I can’t. Not yet.
“Don’t you fucking leave me,” I shout at him as my palms slam into his chest with force.
He was fine. He was here with me. We were eating pizza and talking. Laughing.He was fine!
I feel for a pulse. Put my ear to his mouth.
No, no, no, no, no.
“You promised me!” I count each compression like they’re prayers, my efforts relentless even when my arms start to burn from exhaustion—even when I know. “All our next times. You promised.”
Sobs jolt my body between gasps for air as I try to breathe life into him. “Please,pleasedon’t leave me.” I curl over him, clutching him with both fists like I can anchor him to this world through sheer will. “Jayson!” My scream tears from somewhere deep inside me, raw and animalistic, as if pain could be manifested in sound. “We just found each other again. You promised!”
I can’t lose someone else I love. I can’t. It’s not fair. I don’t understand.
Clack.
