Holding the bottle with my left hand since my right hand is still too sore from punching Marshall, I tip the water back and look at him. I mean, really look at him. He looks good. Strong and vital and so damn handsome. I never allowed myself to really see him before. Not just the superficial things I’m attracted to like his golden eyes I know have flecks of green in them that are the same green as my eyes. Or the way his muscles bulge when he crosses them over his chest like he’s doing now. Or the cupid’s bow on his full top lip. His tanned skin or his devastating smile I am lucky to be the recipient of often. No. Those are only superficial qualities.
What I see now, perhaps truly for the first time, is how he always stands by me and supports me no matter what. How he has gifted me with his love and with his heart and not once expected anything in return. How he must love me so much, he was willing to give me up to Jayson and still remain my best friend even though I know it must kill him every day to see us together. I see all the years we’ve shared, all the times we keep finding our way back together, how even though I love Jayson so very much, half my heart has always belonged to Ryder.
“I’m tired, Ryder. I’m so tired.” I do take the stool now as my mental fatigue morphs into physical exhaustion. Ryder drags another stool over to sit in front of me. He takes the water from me, putting it down on the floor, and cups my bandaged hand.
“I never really thanked you for defending me last night. So thank you, Elizabeth.”
“He deserved more. How is your car by the way?” I tilt my head over to the Challenger that’s currently perched up on a lift.
“Minor stuff I can handle easily. Almost done actually. I’ve been working on it all day.”
“That’s good. I’m glad.”
Ryder lifts my bandaged hand and peels back the gauze to inspect my swollen knuckles. His thumb lightly rubs over each one before he pulls the gauze back down. “You should call Julien. He’s worried about you but wouldn’t tell me why. Where’s Jayson?”
Where to start? “Jayson’s with Julien and Elijah at the house.”
“Why aren’t you with them then?”
“Jayson kicked me out.”
Ryder’s head jerks back, not understanding. “Why the hell would Jay kick you out their house?”
“He’s angry at me. He thinks I’ve been lying to him for years.”
Ryder bites on his lower lip, considering my words. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with Julien and Elijah would it?”
I peer into his face and it hits me. “You know?”
“Pretty much.”
“Did Julien tell you?”
“No. I kind of clued in a while ago. I figured when Jules was ready, he would tell me himself. But, yeah, I figured it out a long time ago. Wasn’t that hard. You can tell how much he and Elijah love each other. How happy Julien is whenever Elijah is around. It’s obvious.”
Doesn’t that beat all, I think to myself, chuckling out loud. All this time, Ryder had it figured out while Jayson said he had no idea. I’ll have to add perceptive to Ryder’s list of qualities.
“Julien’s going to tell his parents tonight. Jayson’s there with him.”
“You should be there too, Elizabeth.”
“I want to be, but Jayson is so angry with me. He said some hurtful things he won’t be able to take back. Things I won’t be able to easily forgive him for this time. How many times am I going to allow him to hurt me before I say enough is enough?”
Ryder pulls my stool closer to his, the sound dulled by the epoxied flooring. Ryder brings me closer to him and lifts my chin so we are eye to eye.
“Loving someone isn’t easy, Elizabeth. I should know. There are so many good days that even the few bad ones can’t lessen them. Today is just one of the bad ones. You and Jayson have loved each other a long time. That kind of love just doesn’t disappear and evaporate at the first sign of anger or because you’re fighting.”
I push away from him, pissed off at everything. I start pacing around the garage. “He’s being a hypocrite, Ryder. He keeps things from me all the time. Stuff about Jacinda. Stuff about Marshall. Stuff with Fallon. I didn’t lie to him about Julien. If even at one time over the past few years he asked me point blank about Julien, I would have told him to talk to his brother. But I never lied. I didn’t keep secrets from him. It wasn’t even my secret to tell! What kind of friend would I be if I broke my promise to Julien?”
I stop in front of Ryder who’s watching me from his place on the stool. “I know loving someone is hard.” I consider how he’s loved me for years. How he gave me up after that night when I didn’t even know I had a choice. “Why didn’t you fight for me?” I shout at him, my emotions all over the place. Anger at Jayson. Loving Jayson. Anger at Ryder. Loving Ryder.
“What?”
I come closer to him. “Why didn’t you fight for me? When Jayson snuck into my bedroom that night and you came over that afternoon. If memory serves me, you told me you wanted to talk to me that day. But Jayson got to me first, and then you guys brawled on my front lawn. So why didn’t you fight harder for me? Why did you give up so easily?”
Ryder’s mouth opens and closes several times. The look of incertitude on his face should be funny, but I’m too upset to find the humor in it. We’re facing each other as if in a standoff. He’s not willing to answer my question and I’m not willing to let it go. You know what? Screw it. Screw it all. I feel like choices have been stolen from me. Whom I’m allowed to love. Where to go to college. How I’m to live my life. The mess with Maria. The fucked-up mess with Jacinda. I’ve always been meek and pliable, doing what I’m told, letting others decide for me and never speaking up for myself. The stereotypical good girl. Last night when I punched Marshall – that felt good. I felt strong and capable and free. I made that choice to hit him. My choice. Now, I’m choosing this.
Before I have a chance to change my mind, I’m straddling Ryder on the stool and smashing my lips against his.
