He sighs, wiping a hand down his face. “I know. It doesn’t make sense to me either. All these years… I’ve never even considered it. You aren’t—weren’t—just some hot guy I saw at a club and wanted to take a pass at. You were…Jackson. My Jackson.”
Why is he talking in the past tense? Like I’ve suddenly ripped off my face mask and revealed my true alien features. I’m still me.
And that’s not the part that doesn’t make sense to me, anyway. Before I can correct him, however, Skyler starts talking again.
“I know you haven’tactuallychanged,” he says, as though reading my thoughts. “But my perspective has. You’re different to me now. I can’t unsee it.”
“Pringles,” I murmur.
He nods. “Yeah. Exactly.”
I shuffle my feet a little closer, placing my toes right on top of his. Again, I half-expect him to pull his feet back, but he doesn’t, and the relief is overwhelming.
I hate this. I hate how nervous I am about touching him. I hate how I’m assessing and overthinking every little movement. I hate that the simple fact of him not flinching from me is giving me so much relief. I’ve never had to be nervous around Skyler. I’ve never second-guessed anything. I’ve never had to worry about him not wanting me to touch him. Everything is wrong.
“I understand all that,” I tell him. “The part that doesn’t make sense is why you think you need to be away from me.”
“Jackson…”
Giving up on all my careful movements and hesitation, I bend forward, burying my head against his chest and nuzzling against him as my arms come up to link around his back. “Please don’t push me away, Sky. I know it’s selfish….I know you need things. But you need me too. And I need you.”
“Jesus, Jax…you’re the least selfish person on the planet,” he murmurs, running his hand over my scalp. “And I’m not trying to push you away, I would never want that.”
Rocket starts meowing, no doubt disgruntled about having his comfortable sleeping spot invaded.
I straighten up and hit him with a hard stare, pointing off toward his corner of the apartment. “Get out of here, cat.”
I swear he rolls his eyes before springing off Skyler’s lap and padding away.
I reach for Skyler again, cupping his nape as I rest my forehead against his. “Promise me you won’t ever leave again,” I murmur. “Ever.”
“I promise I won’t ever want to. Does that count?”
I shift my head slowly from side to side, breathing out a barely audible, “No.”
I lower my head to nuzzle into the crook of his neck, feeling tendrils of relief when his response is to wrap his arms around me and pull me closer. Even amidst the fear and uncertainty, I feel myself lighting up with a happy, golden glow. There’s nothing better than a Skyler cuddle.
Sensual attraction—that’s what the stuff I was reading about before I fell asleep called it. Pleasure derived from non-sexual touch. That’s something I’ve always felt in spades, and with Skyler it’s multiplied by a thousand.
But it’s not just his touch I enjoy; I also love holding him, nuzzling against him, feeling his heartbeat, and the heat of his skin. It’s not something I ever thought twice about before, but after my deep dive today, I can recognize all of that as a sign of emotional attraction. But “attraction” is probably the wrong word. It’s a connection. A bond we’ve shared since we were seven years old. And every time I hold Skyler and feel his heart beating I feel the strength of that connection wrapping around me, and I never want to let him go.
I don’t know if Drew’s right about the romance thing. It’s not something I’ve considered before. I do know I love Skyler with every breath in my body; whether that’s romantic or not, I don’t know, and I don’t think it matters. I don’t think sex really matters either. But I guess I’ve never really cared that much about sex. Not like Sky, who hooks up at least three or four times a week.
“I don’t like being afraid to touch you,” I murmur. “I need to be able to touch you.”
“Shit, Jax…I didn’t mean…” He lets out a sigh and I feel his lips brush the top of my head. “I really didn’t mean for you to feel like that. I’m sorry. I’ve been a little…confused. And…oversensitive, I guess.”
I lift my head so I can stare into his eyes. “Drew says it’s probably similar to coming out all over again.”
He shakes his head. “Coming out was a good thing.”
“And loving me is horrible.”
He offers a barely-there smile. “I already loved you, Jax. It’s the rest of it that’s fucking everything up.”
“I still don’t understand,” I say with a frown, starting to get frustrated. “Sex has never been important. Why is it important now?”
“Because I’m in love with you now,” Skyler says with a huff, moving his hands from my back to my shoulders, as though preparing to push me away.
