Drew lets out a soft sigh, shoving his hands into the pockets of his coveralls. “Well….and I am in no way blaming you for this, so please don’t think that,” he says with a firm look that makes me frown. “But I think one of the reasons it took me so long to actually realize the truth of my sexuality is because our attitudes toward sex have always been very similar. There are a bunch of other reasons as well,” he quickly adds. “But one of the things that kept me from questioning myself too much was the thoughts, “Well, Jackson’s not super enthusiastic about sex,” and “Jackson doesn’t hook up that much.” Those kinds of things,” he finishes with a shrug.
My brows shoot up. “So…what? You think I’m gay too?”
He shakes his head adamantly. “Nope. I genuinely think if you had any interest in guys whatsoever it would have reared its head a hell of a long time ago and you and Skyler would probably be married with kids right now.”
I shift around awkwardly, kicking one of my booted feet against the other. The life he just described sounds…incredible. And I feel like someone who’s just been given a tiny glimpse of paradise, only to discover he’s bound for hell. Because I can never have that. Even if by some miracle Skyler and I manage to get back what we had, it’ll never bethat.I can’t give him a future like that. He needs so much more.
“What the fuck are you saying right now, Drew?” I ask wearily. “Or are you just here to torture me with ideas of things I’ll never have?”
Drew offers a sympathetic look. “You never know…”
“I do know,” I growl. “I do know I’ll never be able to give Skyler what he needs. All our livesI’vebeen the one to give him whatever it is he needs, no matter how fucking ridiculous it is, or how idiotic he was to get himself in the situation in the first place, I’ve been the one to help him. And now I can’t. He’s hurting and I can’t fucking do anything to help.” I rub my hands over my face, feeling like I’m about ten seconds from completely losing it. Drawing in a heavy breath, I look up at Drew and confess something I’ve barely even admitted to myself. “I’ve thought about it, you know.”
“Thought about what?” Drew asks, clearly concerned.
“Just…doing it. Letting him…” I lift a hand to gesture at my body. “But I can’t do it. Not with Sky. It’s different when it’s someone I don’t know. I can’t with Sky…”
“Because when it’s a stranger you don’t feel as guilty about not being attracted to them?” he suggests.
“I—I don’t know. I’ve just never been very picky…”
“Yeah, I used to say that,” he says with a wry smile. “I don’t have a type.Turns out my type is a six foot four, muscled, bearded investment banker.”
“I’m not gay,” I say with a huff. Fuck, why can’t I just be gay? Things would besomuch easier right now if I’d just been subconsciously repressing an attraction to men.
Drew nods. “Yeah, I think you genuinely don’t have a type. In any gender. Sexually, at least—considering you’re desperately in love with Skyler, I think homoromantic’s a pretty good bet.”
“You’ll have to use some smaller words here, man. I have no idea what you’re saying to me.”
Drew lets out a soft breath of amusement. “Look, it’s not my place to label you. But I think you should look into asexuality.”
ChapterSixteen
Jackson
I don’t remember fallingasleep, but I guess I must have because my iPad, which I’d been using to scroll through information on asexuality, is no longer in my hands and there’s an annoying as hell crick in my neck. Probably because unconscious Jackson decided Skyler’s pillow would be more useful as a snuggle toy than neck support. Makes sense.
I also have a blanket covering me, which I don’t remember using earlier, and I don’t think that’s something my unconscious self can take the credit for.
Glancing around, I see a familiar figure sitting on the coffee table and a wave of relief washes through me.Skyler.My Skyler. He must have been home for a while—long enough to shower, at least—because he’s wearing nothing but an old pair of sweats and his hair is wet. Predictably, Rocket is curled in his lap, purring contentedly as Skyler gently strokes his fur.
Lucky fucking cat.
“Is that my pillow?” he asks me upon realizing I’m awake.
“It smells like you,” I tell him, hugging it tighter. “Why did you leave me? You didn’t even answer my texts, or call me back. And Deacon and Drew had no idea where you were either. What if something happened to you?” I’m aware of how whiny I sound right now, but I can’t help it. There’s been a gaping hole in my heart since yesterday and I need to understand why Skyler did that to me. I understand, logically, that him being attracted to me is territory we’ve never had to venture into before, but I still don’t understand why it has to change anything.
He casts his eyes downward, averting his gaze. “I just need some space, Jax. That’s why I got Charlie not to say anything. But he would have if anything was really wrong.”
Charlie. Fuck, why didn’t I think of that? Of course he went to Charlie. Drew is too loyal to me, and Deacon wouldn’t have it in him to lie when I asked. The fact that Skyler chose to stay somewhere I’d be unlikely to track him down is making me feel like my entire world has been ripped off its axis. It’s like everything is just turning and tumbling and I’m slipping all over the place with nothing to hold onto; nothing to stop me from falling into oblivion, because my tether to solid ground is moving out of my reach.
I sit up and swing my legs down, feeling myself settle by just a tiny sliver as the tips of our bare toes touch on the carpeted floor. He doesn’t move his feet back like I’d half expected him to after the way he flinched away from me yesterday, but it still doesn’t feel right… It still doesn’t feel like us.
“You want space…from me?” I ask, my voice cracking with the inability to keep the hurt and confusion out of my tone. It’s not like I’m unaware ofwhyhe didn’t come home last night, but I still don’t understand it.
Anguish and regret mar his features and immediately all I want to do is take that pain away. “Jackson…come on… You know why I stayed away last night.”
I nod. “But it doesn’t make sense.”
