Do I choose my mate or my family and my tribe? I have no answers. I only know that if Mardok leaves, he takes my heart with him. Will I ever be happy again if he is gone? I think of old Eklan, who grieved his mate every day until he died. How can I let my mate leave? I rest my head on my mother’s shoulder, torn. How can I leave my family behind, though? My mother and my father? My brothers and their mates—and their adorable kits? My friends, both human and sa-khui? I will never see another kit join the tribe, never participate in another sa-kohtsk hunt, never celebrate another pair’s resonance. I will never see Taushen and Sessah mated with kits at their hearths.
I will never see anyone ever again.
But how can I lose my mate now that I’ve found him? If it is truly as simple as saying yes and following him to his ship, why do I not jump at the chance? Have I not always wanted adventure? Is this not the greatest adventure to be had?
My mother smooths my mane away from my face. “If youworry over Chahm-pee, we will take care of him. No one will eat him. He will live to a very old age and be fat and happy.”
I feel my eyes fill with tears again. “You are wonderful, Mother.”
“I am your mother. I will love you and honor whatever decision will make you happy.” Her eyes shine with tears of her own. “Even if it takes you far, far away from me.”
11
MARDOK
For three days, we stay with the tribe with no answers from Vektal or his people.
Captain Chatav is growing upset at the delay. I don’t blame him—every day we linger is another day that our delivery window gets a little narrower. From the sounds of it, this delivery will break him—and the crew of theLady—if it’s not delivered on time. He’s agitated, but his soldier’s code won’t let him leave without an answer. Leaving someone behind would be the wrong thing to do, and Chatav is a man of his word. He won’t leave until he gets a definitive response.
Niri and Trakan are restless. Niri spends most of her time at the ship, sometimes running scans on the villagers when asked and mostly keeping to herself. Trakan spends his time with the hunters and Farli’s father, Borran, who is the tribe’s brew-maker. Trakan’s already traded a couple of trinkets for several skins of the stuff called sah-sah. He’ll have to drink it before the next port, though, because I’m pretty sure it’llnever pass a single quarantine law.
As for me, every day seems to be too short. There are always new faces to meet, tasks to be performed, and food to be cooked. The day is filled without a moment of time to squander, it seems. I fall into bed each night with Farli at my side, and I am exhausted.
In a strange sort of way, I enjoy it. Living on the ship doesn’t allow me to be physical, so unless I spend my time at the ship’s gym, I end up sitting on my ass all day. This reminds me of back when I was a soldier, working with others on a physical, sometimes menial, task. There’s always a feeling of satisfaction once it’s done, and the camaraderie is far more pleasant than with my cold shipmates.
The planet’s still horrible, though. My face feels wind-burned and numb from the cold. I’m pretty sure I’m going to lose a toe, and I’ve resorted to wrapping my tail from stem to tip because it feels like waving an icicle otherwise. It’s snowed every day since we arrived, and while the sa-khui aren’t much bothered by it, it’s harder for me to move around when it feels as if I’m frozen.
Nights are spent in Farli’s bed. We haven’t fully had sex yet—not yet—but we’ve licked and touched and explored each other for hours on end. We hold each other close each night and talk about everything and nothing. I love her mind and the way she approaches life. She hasn’t asked me why I won’t come inside her. I think she knows. She hasn’t pressed and asked me to stay. I think she sees how miserable I am in the cold and how unhappy I’d be. So every night, I tell her about my world—the spaceports in deep space, the beaches of Homeworld, the greenery of my own planet. My time as a soldier. Heck, I even tell her about the exotic foods she could experience if she comes with me. She hasn’t said yes…
…but she hasn’t said no, either. I’ll take that for now.
We’re running out of time together, though. Chatav’s antsy and told me in private last night that Vektal has until the end of tomorrow to get all the decisions from his people. We’ll leave then.
It doesn’t feel like enough time.
But it’s what I’ve got, so I’m going to spend every waking minute at Farli’s side and making her happy.
Like right now. We’ve taken a small crew to the place they call their ‘Elders’ Cave.’ Turns out it’s an enormous old spaceship turned on its side. The tribe tells me that it happened during the last big ‘earth-shake,’ and they made use of the computers there until then. Seems only fair that we get things going for them again, and I’m eager to get my hands on the engine, see if I can’t poke around with it and make things run smoothly.
We useThe Tranquil Ladyto tow the ship back out of the gorge. When it falls back onto its side, the boom of it is deafening, and I wince, anticipating utter destruction of the equipment inside. But the tribe is pleased, especially the orange-haired human, Harlow. It seems that of all the humans, she’s the one with a mechanic’s mentality, and this wreck of a ship is her baby. She tells me she’s tried to make equipment to help improve their lives here on Kopan VI, but she’s limited by her knowledge and that of the ancient computer.
All of this makes me eager to try my hand at it, of course. Maybe that’s arrogant, but I’m curious to see what I can do to help. I’ve got more modern equipment and an entirely different set of skills than the humans do. I know I can help out.
Maybe it’s my way of apologizing for the fact that I want to take Farli away from them.
“I don’t have to ride the sled,” Harlow tells her mate as we disembark from theLadyto cross over to the Elders’ Cave. “Ican walk. Really.”
He just growls and points at the sled, piled high with warm furs.
She sighs and takes her seat on the sled, and her mate pulls it, carrying her forward. She does look a hundred times better than when I first saw her. The painful hollowness is gone from her face, and even though she’s still weak, she looks more vibrant every day. She puts her arms out, smiling, and her small son crawls onto her lap, trying to get comfortable next to her big belly. I might be taking Farli away from them—hopefully—but I’ve given them back Harlow. It’s something.
I’m trying to justify it in my mind, I know. I can’t help it. Farli walks at my side, smiling and happy, and I can’t get over the feeling of guilt that I’m going to be taking her away from a people that adore her and dropping her into my world, where she’ll just be another person. Another refugee in a galaxy full of refugees of one kind or another.
But I can’t bear the thought of giving her up. She’s mine.
As we approach the ship, I eye it speculatively. The hull is completely compromised, with gaps between metal panels and missing bolts. I’m surprised it’s managed to stay together as much as it has. It’s ancient, all right. I’ve seen vids of Old Sakh space vessels, and had a good laugh at how clunky and crude they seemed compared to the sleek modern versions. Seeing one in front of me fills me with a sense of history and wonder, and I can’t wait to get inside and poke around.
Once inside, Harlow takes charge. She powers up the decrepit computer and runs a diagnostic, just like I would. Immediately, the system comes back with a ping. “Completed,” Harlow says. “No errors. Huh.”
