To a place where nothing like this ever existed.
Suddenly, I wasn’t in my body anymore but outside of the church. I looked up and there was a bright blue sky, hummingbirds flying everywhere. They were so beautiful and bright, their feathers reflecting the sunshine.
The sun was warming my face, the front of my neck, my hands. It felt…it felt freeing.
When I opened my eyes and let myself look in front of me, Azrael was standing there. His face was shrouded in a hood, covered in shadows. All I could see of his was this wide, Cheshire smile.“Hello, little sinner,”he greeted. He held out his right hand, his cane in his left.
He wanted me to take his hand? That wasn’t allowed. I wasn’t allowed to touch anyone ever, it was against the rules. But, I suppose, if I was going to break the sacred laws, I’d rather it be with him.
Warmth exploded in the back of my throat, jerking me to the present, the saltiness, the sliminess. I coughed and gagged as he jerked his cock out of me. I turned to spit it out, wanting to rid myself of the taste as soon as possible, but Thomas grabbed my jaw and slammed a hand over my mouth and lips. “Swallow,” he ordered threateningly. “Show me howimpureyou truly are.”
I hated the taste. I hated the way he had felt on my tongue. My stomach twisted and turned, and I could feel acid burning in the pit of my stomach, tears slipping down my cheeks.
Choking. I was going to choke to death if I didn’t swallow. Death no longer scared me though. I had come to terms with it a long time ago.
But he was my betrothed, and I had betrayed him. The least I could do was what he asked. So, I forced myself to swallow, gagging around the taste, bile creeping up the back of my throat.
“Open,” he ordered after several seconds.
I opened my mouth, showing him the evidence. Shame burning my skin. I hated this. I hated every second of it.
After a few seconds, he shoved me down to the floor. “I guess the Leaders have something to look forward to now.”
I lowered my head, keeping my eyes closed as my hands shook, my fingers digging into my knees. I remained there until I heard the front door finally shut behind him.
I immediately shoved myself to a stand and ran to the kitchen, spitting and coughing, scrubbing the taste off with my nails. They were going to make a new door. A new room in the Back Hall, I was sure. More cameras. More lights. Less boundaries because of me.
I had caused this.
I had betrayed the church.
I had ruined my marriage.
It wasn’t until I saw blood in my saliva that I finally stopped. I swirled warm water around in my mouth and spit it out, panting, feeling something heavy grow in my throat.
This was my purpose. It was all I had, all I was.
I belonged to the church. I was theirs to use now, however they saw fit.
I was nothing without them. Nothing.
~ ~ ~
January 15th, 2023
I stopped listening to the services. It was difficult to hear over the noises of the Leaders roaring through my ears.
Their grunts.
Their heaving.
My mind was filled with the sound of their balls slapping against my chin.
I stopped eating. I had too. All I could taste was bitter salt. Mold. Sour cheese. I wasn’t hungry anyway. How could I be when my stomach was always full?
I stopped wearing the braid too. I stopped doing anything. All I did now was stare at the tips of my own shoes. I was trapped in a mind filled with nothing.
I was floating ash over the Arctic. The hummingbirds couldn’t even reach me here. Nothing could.
