I dropped them to the floor and stared at myself again, letting my eyes drift over the body that didn’t feel like mine anymore. There were long scars from the whip. Small ones from when they had punched me so hard, they split my skin in two. Burn marks from the electrocution, knife cuts from the knives they had put against me to keep me quiet while they—
I shut my eyes, my hands slamming over them. I pressed them into my eye sockets so hard, I started seeing spots. No.No!
I felt every muscle in my body tense, my hands shaking as that feeling came over me again. The feeling I had felt right before I tore each one of them to shreds.
I couldn’t feel that. I wouldn’t. It felt dark and uncontrollable, and I didn’t want to feel it anymore.
I grabbed the bottle and gulped down the wine, my mind buzzing, thrumming, my body becoming floaty and untethered.
Where was my tether?
I had lost it. Somewhere between Todd and shooting openingthat door, I had lost it.
When the bottle was empty, I simply dropped it on the ground and headed for the shower as it rolled towards the door.
The hot water caused me to shiver as it poured over my skin, and for a while, I just stood there, absorbing the heat, grateful for it. I still had no idea how they kept that room so cold when it was the middle of summer. I hated it. I had missed the warmth. I had missed the want to wear dresses and sneakers. I had missed the Summer.
In the last two weeks, all I had done was wake up, walk to the couch, drink, eat what they gave me, watch mindless television, and wake up the next morning in my room.
I still had no recollection of how I even got to my room, but it wasn’t important enough to ask about, so I just didn’t.
I hadn’t said another word since the night Emily showed me her scars, but I knew they wanted me too. Their questions were more pointed, and they waited longer for me to answer before moving on. Still, I didn’t say a word.
But this would be a good step in their eyes, I suppose. Taking a shower meant something. At least, I hoped it did.
I hadn’t seen Everett since that night either and if I had any other nightmares, I didn’t remember them.
Today was the first time I had stepped into a shower since July Fourth. I should’ve taken one sooner, but I just didn’t have the want to do it. Evelyn said she had given me a ‘sexy’ sponge bath the day before we left that hospital, but I didn’t remember that. I seemed to have trouble remembering anything from my stay in that hospital, other than the stories, but I did remember every detail of my time in that room.
I needed to get back to my chapters, but everyone was already dead, and that was one thing I hadn’t accounted for when drafting the end of my story.
After a while, I looked over all of the care products Raehad brought over. Her way off showing her love, I suppose. Everything was so expensive. All of the best products for every inch of my body, and honestly, I used all of it.
I spent so much time going through the process each of the products wanted me to go through that, by the time I was finally rinsing my hair out for the last time, the water was cold.
I finally stepped out of the shower, my skin soft, shining, my hair as soft as it ever had been, and I began the process of doing the same thing with all of the things she had left me forafterthe shower. The lotions and serums and hair stuff.
I poured it all on me, drowning in the beautiful scents, trying to erase everything about who I was and become something new. Something… somethingbetter.
But when I was done, my hair dried, another one of Everett’s hoodies on, along with a fresh pair of his sweats, I still felt the same. Merlin sat on my shoulder as I walked down the hall, bringing with me all the different smells of that room. Fruits and flowers and spices. I smelled like I should belong in an expensive magazine or maybe in a movie.
But the thing was, I could change everything about my outsides, but the insides would still remain the same.
It was worth a shot though.
I walked into the kitchen, glancing at my computer that sat, still closed, on my table. Emily and Evelyn were talking as Evie cooked lunch.
She beamed brightly. “Holy shit, girl, you look like you should be taking me right back into that bedroom and reminding me why I pushed Everett into letting me fuck you.”
I found her eyes on the way to the wine cupboard.
Emily laughed lightly, glancing at that cupboard and back. “You look good,” she told me, straightening. “And you smell good. Rae has the best taste in all of that stuff, don’t you think? I thought I had good taste, but she proved me wrong. I’ll foreverbe grateful for the bath salts.”
I paused, finding her eyes. Bath salts? Maybe I would take a bath tonight and do it all again just to use them.
I started for the cupboard again, reaching up to open it, only to pause when the sweater came away from those angry, dark pink scars around my wrist.
I quickly pulled a wine bottle out and jerked my sleeves back down. Out of all of the scars I had, I hated those ones the most.
