“I’m okay,” she said, willing it to be true, as she continued to think about what happened. Jay had undone her top. Touched her in places that nobody had touched before and…oh. Nobody had ever touched her like this. He would be the first person who would ever see her naked, would touch her body with passion, with desire.
She wasn’t ashamed. Despite not having any kind of proper, formal sex education, Mara learned. From books and movies that danced around the topic, to friends who explained things nobody else would.
Contrary to what people assumed, Mara did nothateher body. She wasn’t always in love with her body, but she was grateful she had it. Knew how to use it, knew its limits. But her fear, her panic, came with being literally exposed to someone who would see more of her than she could control. A view of herself that she wasn’t ready yet to expose.
“You’re breathing really hard.” Jay sounded worried, and she wanted to lie again. Tell him she was fine. But it wasn’t right. She reached for him instead, and he pulled her in close, placing her hand on his chest. She could tell he slowed his breathing for her benefit. Although if he had told her that, she didn’t remember hearing it.
“There you go. Good girl.” He pressed his lips to her temple as Mara’s fingers steadily warmed. As words came back to her, and the feeling of his chest anchored her to the moment, to explaining how she felt to him. “You okay? Seemed like you went like, far away.”
Mara chuckled but said nothing.
“We can stop,” he said, his voice suddenly serious, eyes studying her carefully. It made her heart melt, how kind and patient he was. How caring.
“No! I don’t want that,” Mara assured him. It was with the usual 100 percent surety of everything she undertook in her life. There was no doubt in her mind that she wanted to do this with Jay, but whatthiswas had lines and limits that she hadn’t learned yet.
“But?”
“But nothing,” she insisted.
“Hey,” he said, the gentlest of admonition as he lifted her chin with a finger, making her look at him, even as she knew that she could, at any time, turn away. “I need to know what you’re thinking, Mara. Communicating with your partner is lesson one.”
Ah yes. Communication. The thing she was genetically predisposed to be absolutely terrible at.
“Okay,” she said finally, pulling away from him to sit on the bed. Her back rested against the pillows and the headboard, her feet together butterfly style. Her dress wasn’t long enough to drape over her legs. When Jay sat beside her, his thumb brushed against her bare thigh, just above the knee. That felt good. It feltnice. He looked worried, and Mara wanted to kiss him more, move past this without analyzing it. But he was right. She needed to learn to say things out loud.Por dios por santo, help po.
“So.” Mara had no idea what to say next. Ah, words! The elusive chanteuse. “Nobody’s ever seen me naked. Not in recent history. And when you undid my top, I realized that I wasn’t ready for that to change yet.”
“Oh.” Jay’s mouth formed an adorable heart shape when he said that. Mara groaned and leaned against him. He made no arguments, made no list of things to tell her why she was wrong, or why he thought her body was worth showing. Instead he kissed her temple again. And that did more to reassure her than any longer thing he could have said. “For the record, I find you attractive. Very attractive.”
“I know.” She nodded. “I think so, too. I just need a little more time.”
“What would you like to do?”
He was askingher? Waiting to hear what she had to say? How weird. Were all men this considerate when it came to sex? This giving? Everything she heard about it seemed to say that she was currently experiencing the exception, not the rule. Which was just the sad state of affairs in this world, and—
“Mara?”
Right, right. Focus. Her desires. Her wants. Because he was treating her like she was special. Like she mattered very much. She could get used to this, definitely.
“I want… I want you to touch me.”
“Mmm. Where?” His lips moved to her ear, a whisper that sent a shiver down her spine, reigniting the heat that had started to cool inside her body. “Kasi, I’m touching you now, Mara. Is this the right place?”
The roughened skin of Jay’s palms spread over her knee, not enough to contain it but enough to send her heart racing. A warm haze had fallen over the world, and there was no one in it but them.
“No,” Mara said, placing her hand over his, guiding it higher. Up her thigh, closer to where she wanted him. No other sound echoed in the room save for the hum of the air conditioner and their attempts to control their breaths.
“Here.” Mara leaned in, his hand on the inside of her thigh. Her skirt was tucked below her stomach now, and Jay’s palm brushed over the front of her underwear, already damp. He made a satisfied noise.
“Do you like touching yourself here?” he asked. Mara fell back on the bed, spreading her legs for him. His fingertip brushed the inside of the seam of her underwear, and she jolted. “Mara?”
“Y…yes.”
“Here?” Jay asked again, tracing two fingers up and down her labia, skimming the warm, wet skin there in gentle strokes. And Mara, who had never been touched by anyone else, who had always been in charge of her own pleasure, was thrilled by the idea of Jay touching her exactly where she wanted, and how. It was almost like controlling a chaos meant to be wild and reckless—at her own pace.
“No.” She shook her head, breaths coming in quick as she held back her moans. “I like playing with my clit, Jay.”
“Oh, you do?” He seemed delighted, and Mara’s faint laugh was more because this felt a little absurd and surreal. He adjusted his position so he was lying next to her, a thigh over one of hers, his free elbow supporting him just above her head. She couldn’t see his hand under her skirt, butgod, she felt it, curling inside her. And the way it sent flashes of heat and tension up, down, around and through her body was delicious. So new, and so familiar.
