Because they wanted to, you know, wanted you tofeelthat in that moment, you were the only object of their desires. And that for the moment, there was nothing in the world more important than making sure you knew it.
And today, Mara learned that not only was this feeling really, really good—it was intoxicating. It made her fully understand phrases like “weak in the knees,” or “lost in your eyes.” But she also learned that it meant losing a bit of control, allowing another person to adore you as they wanted. As she wanted.
She laughed at the idea as she leaned against the door of her room, hands wound around Jay’s neck while he kissed the skin of her cleavage, generous as it was and trying its best to burst out of her top. In the lazy haze of pleasure, a thought occurred to her.
“We don’t have condoms.”
“You don’t always need them,” he gasped. Admonishment was on the tip of her tongue when he suddenly looked up, his cheeks pink, his lips a little swollen. He was debauched, and it made Mara’s insides feel warm that she’d turned the cool, smooth Jay Montinola into this. “Breathe, Mara. We’re not having sex tonight.”
Oh. Was she disappointed or relieved? Unclear.
“But there are…other things we can do.”
“Oh.”Now it was Mara’s turn for her cheeks to feel hot, as she pictured the other things in question. “I like the idea of other things.”
“Okay, good.” He grinned, and Mara tore her gaze away from him to unlock the door to her room. They left their sandy shoes by the door, careful not to track any more of the beach into the room. Jay caught her from behind, his hands on her waist and skimming across the skin of her belly when she turned to face him. Mara tiptoed up to kiss him, kindling the low flame of heat growing inside her. “Just to be clear, you know the basics?”
“Birds, bees, bunnies, trees,” Mara recited. She barely held herself together at Jay’s incredulous expression. “I haven’t had sex with anyone else, but I’ve tried things. I’ve experimented with a few toys, lube, that kind of thing. I do it to sleep sometimes. It helps.”
“You have to let me know if I’m doing something you don’t like,” he warned. “Anything remotely uncomfortable, we can stop.”
“I’ll make sure we will.” She nodded. She was the one easing into the experience. Of course she was going to tell him to stop if she needed him to.
“Is there anything you want to know, or want to clear up before we do anything?”
“I just…” Mara frowned, trying to think of the proper words to say. She was aware she was giving away a part of herself with that confession, but it was a necessary part to give away. “I want you to know that I’m doing this because I want to know what sex feels like, and I want to do it with someone nice. Someone kind, if not trustworthy.”
“And I fit all three categories?”
“Well, enough,” she lied. But she wasn’t kidding when she said that Jay was nice. Jay was kind. And if he wasn’t? Well, Mara had a new brother-in-law who could track him down so Mara could make sure he regretted it. Safety nets, people.
“Who do you picture when you do?” Jay teased, stroking her cheek with his fingers, a touch that was now becoming familiar, and only made her melt more. “Someone tall, handsome?”
“Mmm, Colin Sheffield.” She named a white boy actor, and Jay rolled his eyes.
A jolt of heat ran down her spine when Jay’s hand rested low on her back. She shuddered in delight, causing him to raise an eyebrow curiously.
“Air-con,” she lied.
“I can warm you up,” he said. But then he winced. “God, that was such a Scott joke.”
“Well, now I guess I’m going to think about Scott Sabio tonight. Mmm, shoulders,” Mara said. Jay quickly refocused on his task.
When his hand slid under the strap of Mara’s dress, her hands suddenly felt ice-cold. She froze as he slowly pulled the strap down, stopping completely when she felt the top of her dress loosen, a strange, unfamiliar tingling sensation on her nipples, her breasts. They were heavy, cumbersome things most of the time. She had no idea that someone else’s touch could feel so…intimate. To add to it, she wasn’t wearing a bra, but that wasn’t what made her stop.
“Wait,” she gasped suddenly. Her hands flew up to her chest as Jay’s hands shot to his side like he was fully expecting Mara to pull a gun out of her cleavage.
“Mara?” Jay kept his hands up, but his gaze was worried as he tried to read her expression.
She should say something, but the room was suddenly too hot, her heart was beating too fast and her fingers were too cold. Maybe she should say something about the air conditioning, about needing more water, about being hungry.
None of that was the real reason why she’d stopped. Why she needed a second. She was panicking, just a little. The kind of panic she had when a situation felt out of her control.
Why out of her control?
“I—”
It was extremely difficult, having to explain a feeling she’d never encountered before. Usually (always) she had her sisters to help her break it down, parse it into words that she could repeat, words that she believed to be true. They were always a closed door, a dining table or a group chat message away. Ready anytime she needed them. But her sisters weren’t here right now, and Mara didn’t know why she felt unstable. Thank god they weren’t here, but also,oh god. They weren’t here.
