He’s gone distant. Pack your bags, wave goodbye, see you later kind of distant.
Now it’s not so much a Tanner problem as it is an ‘us’ problem.
And I need to fix it, or I worry we’ll never recover.
It’s Friday Night Poker with the guys. Every couple of weeks Tanner, Gabe, and some friends get together and play poker. Tanner sent me a quick reminder about it earlier today and I figured he needs some friend time, which he hasn’t gotten a lot of lately due to all the wedding planning.
A wedding day that is right around the corner.
They say time flies, but it sure goes quickly when you work full-time and are planning a wedding. It seems like just yesterday that I was picking out my wedding dress and now in less than two months, I’ll be walking down the aisle. I swear, if it wasn’t for my mom taking care of most of the small details, I’d be drowning in stress.
Instead, I’m drowning in loneliness.
The thought alone has tears welling up in my eyes.
Glancing at the clock on my phone, a pinch of worry settles in my stomach. It’s almost one in the morning. He's usually home by now. No way am I going to sit here all night worrying about him. Pressing the button for his number, I put the phone on speaker as it rings.
And rings.
And rings.
Just when I’m convinced it’ll go to voicemail, the phone stops ringing and a deep voice booms through the speaker.
“Hey, Kate.” Only it’s notTanner’s voice, it’s Gabe’s.
“Gabe? What’s going on?” If he’s still with Gabe then he’s still playing poker.
In the background is the sound of men laughing and shouting. God, they can be so loud. "Well, I’m thinking Tanner won’t be able to drive home tonight.”
My stomach drops.
I can’t stop my hand from kneading my forehead. “He’s drunk?” Every once in a while, Tanner drinks a little too much, but never on nights when he’s driving or supposed to be coming home.
“He’s kind of passed out on the couch.”
“Oh, my god,” I sigh. “Do I need to come and get him?” Already I’m pushing myself off the couch and walking down the hall to grab some sweats.
“No. No way in hell am I going to make you drive out here in the middle of the night. He would kill me. He’s good to stay here. Noah will let him sleep it off on the couch.” Noah is Gabe’s older brother and the host of poker night. When I say nothing, Gabe continues. “Kate, is everything okay with him? He’s…” he pauses while men shout in the background. “There’s something not right.”
He’s preaching to the fucking choir.
“I don’t know, Gabe.” I feel defeated and my voice comes out barely a whisper. “I don’t know.”
After I hang up the phone, all I can do is stare at the floor. I’m not the only person seeing that Tanner is dealing with something, but I have no clue how to fix it.
Doubt starts to swirl in my gut. I love Tanner, but if he keeps pushing me out, I don’t know if we’re going to last. How can I marry him when he won’t discuss things with me?
Emotions roll through me at the thought of not marrying the man of my dreams. Tears stream down my cheeks, dripping down my face, but I don’t care. The man I’m going to marry, the man I want to be the father of my children, is going through something that I can’t fix.
Something he hasn’t even told me about.
A big black pit swallows me up the longer I cry. Crawling into bed, I cocoon myself in the comforter and wallow.
Why is he doing this? What’s going on?
I feel like I’m all alone in a raft out at sea and Tanner’s bobbing in the water just out of reach. I have no way to get to him. No paddles. No life jacket or rope to toss out. The only way to reach him is to dive in after him, but I don’t know if I can make it.
Eventually, I cry myself to sleep.
