‘I’m sorry.’ I felt a tear trickle down my cheek.
‘Hey, don’t get upset. I love you and Finn so much. What we have is good and I don’t want to lose that.’
‘Do you think counselling is helping us? Because to be honest, it seems to me as though it’s making everything worse.We’re arguing when we never do. I’m not sleeping at night. I’m anxious and stressed during the day.’
He nodded thoughtfully. ‘You’re right. And anyway, we’ve made our decision now,’ he said gloomily. ‘That was the reason we were going there in the first place. I reckon Julia’s done as much as she can for us.’
‘I’m sorry, Jay,’ I said sadly as another tear rolled down my face, pooling on the bare skin of his chest.
‘Hey,’ he pulled me closer, ‘don’t be sorry. I have you and Finn; that’s all I need. Everything I need is right here.’
‘We’ll need to explain it to Finn,’ I added. ‘It’s important that he understands why.’
‘I know.’ He sighed. ‘He’s going to be gutted.’
45
LIV
The following day, Maya and I stood on the tarmac waiting for the children to emerge from the school building. It was a crisp October day and the bright-blue sky made the colours look saturated. A carpet of russet-coloured leaves lay at our feet. There was a chill in the air and the first nip of winter could be felt as autumn faded. I shivered in my hoodie and leggings, knowing the time had come to take out the winter coats. We chit-chatted amongst ourselves as we waited beside the other parents.
‘How’s everything with you and Jay since?’ she asked.
I filled her in on his apology and how we had finally decided not to have another child. I also told her that we wouldn’t be going back to marriage therapy.
‘We’ve agreed to leave it. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have another baby. And Finn is so perfect, we’re happy with our lot.’ It felt like a weight had been lifted from me. I was relieved that Jay finally understood my position and although it wasn’t what he would have chosen for us, he was coming to terms with it. It was a relief also to know that we no longer had to see Julia. ‘We told Finn over breakfast this morning,’ I added glumly.
‘Oh dear, I hope he wasn’t too disappointed?’
‘It was awful. He cried.’ I felt my stomach churn as I thought about his reaction again. ‘We explained how I was very sick after he was born and that I’m too scared in case it happens again. He kept asking why I couldn’t just take medicine so I explained that I did get medicine the last time but it didn’t work. Then he asked why we couldn’t just let Santa bring us a baby.’
‘Oh, Liv.’ Maya reached out and squeezed my hand and I felt tears burn at the back of my eyes. ‘What did you say to that?’
‘Jay made up a story on the spot about how the government have passed a law to say that Santa isn’t allowed to give out babies. We had to do it; it’s not fair to keep his hopes raised.’
‘That sounds tough, you poor thing. But you have to do what’s right for you as a family. Finn is still a little young to comprehend it properly right now but when he’s older, I’m sure he’ll understand why you made the decisions you did. I’m glad Jay and you have come to an agreement. He’s a good man, Liv.’
‘I know.’ I smiled. ‘I’m lucky to have him.’
‘You’re not so bad either.’ Maya grinned. ‘He’s lucky to have you too. By the way, are you going to the school fundraiser next Friday evening?’ she asked. The school was raising money for a new music room and were hosting an ‘old Hollywood glamour’ themed dinner dance for the parents.
I groaned. Getting dressed up was my idea of hell. Plus, I’d need to rope in one of the grandparents to mind Finn again. ‘I don’t think we have a choice. We have to support it.’
‘Well, let’s try and get on the same table.’ She winked. ‘At least we can have some fun together.’
‘Yeah,’ I agreed weakly, knowing Jay would not want to sit anywhere near Hugo after what had happened the last time we all went out together but how could I say that to Maya without offending her?
Eventually, the door opened and we saw the children emerge in single file with their teacher. As Finn spotted me, he ranover, his feet crunching over the leaves and his large school bag thumping off the back of his legs.
‘Someone got a haircut,’ Maya remarked as he came towards us.
‘I’m still getting used to it; he looks so much older with short hair.’
‘It suits him. He looks so handsome. You can see his face properly now. What made you decide to cut it?’
‘He wanted to do it. Apparently, some kids were giving him a hard time about having long hair,’ I added pointedly to test her to see how she would react.
‘Oh, that’s horrible. Kids can be so cruel,’ she replied, not associating it with her son for one minute. ‘But he looks good.’
