I smiled at him. The novelty of going to ‘big school’ was starting to wear off. ‘You have to go to school every day, love, so that you can get really smart and learn lots of new things.’
As we reached the gate, I bent down to kiss him goodbye but he clung to my hand.
‘Come on, love, in you go now,’ I nudged him forward. ‘The bell has already rung.’
Reluctantly, he let go of my hand and began walking up the path, looking as though he had the weight of the world on his small shoulders.
I turned to head back home when I spotted Maya’s jeep pulling out of the drop-off bay. She turned off the engine and climbed down, leaving her car jutting out of the parking bay, blocking half of the road.
‘Liv!’ I heard her calling, as she hurried across the school car park. ‘I just wanted to make sure that everything is okay?’ she asked breathlessly when she reached me. ‘Tell me it’s none of my business, I won’t be offended, but I couldn’t help notice that you both seemed,’ she paused for the right word before settling on, ‘upsetwhen you came out of Julia office’s last night.’
I shook my head. ‘Things are tricky,’ I admitted feeling a wave of emotion engulf me. ‘We had a huge argument at our session last night. We’re not speaking to one another.’
‘Oh honey,’ she gushed. ‘I’m sorry. None of this is easy but Jay loves you; you will find a way through it.’
Angry-faced parents glared at her as they had to drive around her badly parked car but she seemed oblivious to it.
‘Thank you,’ I said, needing to hear these words of reassurance. ‘I hope you’re right.’
‘I am right,’ she said confidently.
‘How did you two get on last night?’ I asked.
She leaned in conspiratorially. ‘It was okay. Hugo took responsibility for Elliot finding the porn on his phone. For thefirst time since we started going to her, I really felt like it wasn’t all one-sided. Hugo was trying. He opened up a little more than he usually does and in all honesty, I think he’s feeling pretty remorseful about what happened.’
‘How is Elliot doing?’ I couldn’t get the sorry story of what their son had found on Hugo’s phone off my mind and I wanted to make sure that both she and he were doing okay.
‘He’s a little better, actually. He got dressed this morning without a fuss and went into school without any tears so I’m keeping everything crossed that we’ve turned a corner.’
‘Well, here’s hoping Elliot puts what he saw out of his head. It’s amazing how quickly kids bounce back from things that would floor us adults.’
She forced a smile on her face. ‘Thanks. I really hope so.’
‘How’s everything between you and Hugo then? Are you talking again?’
‘We’re back to communicating when necessary so I guess that’s business as usual,’ she said wryly.
‘I know it’s a horrible thing to happen but maybe he needed that wake-up call to make him see how bad things were.’
‘It’s a step in the right direction anyway. Who knows what the future holds for us but I’m just taking it one day at a time.’
Suddenly, we were interrupted by a horn blaring loudly, causing both of us to jump. We turned around to see a man gesticulating wildly at Maya.
‘Whoops, I’d better go…’ she said, hurrying off. ‘Bye, Liv. And don’t worry, it’s all going to be okay!’
Jay was still ignoring me when he came home from work that evening. The silence was torture and yet something was holdingme back from reaching out to him. We moved around the kitchen wordlessly. He cooked dinner for the three of us like he always did but he didn’t speak and just left the plate of pasta on the table for me. I left it there untouched. I couldn’t stomach food right now.
After I had put Finn to bed, I climbed into bed myself. I didn’t want to sit in silence with Jay for the evening. As I sank down onto the pillows, I heard the drone of the TV and periodic bursts of canned laughter from whatever show Jay was watching coming up from the living room. Eventually, I heard his footsteps on the stairs. He brushed his teeth, pulled back the duvet then got in beside me. We both lay there stock-still and tense until he turned over and lay flat on his back.
‘Are you awake?’ he said eventually.
‘Yeah,’ I said, turning over into the same position as him.
He reached out and turned on his bedside lamp, changing the light to warm yellow. ‘Look, I want to apologise for how I’ve behaved. I’ve been acting like a neanderthal and I’m sorry. I was just taken off guard when you told me in our counselling session that you had made a decision but I know that’s no excuse for how I’ve treated you.’
‘It’s okay.’ I sighed. ‘I should have told you before the session. I can understand why you got upset.’
‘I just find it hard to accept that Finn is going to be an only child. I always imagined we’d have a whole football team of kids.’ He sighed. ‘But I get it. I really do. I guess I’m just sad for us.’ He pulled me in close so that my head rested against his bare chest.
