‘He told everyone not to play with me because I was a girl, so can I get a haircut?’
My heart twisted. My sweet, innocent boy who didn’t even realise what he was saying.
‘Do you like your hair?’ I asked. He had the same hair as Jay: a mass of frizzy, dark curls that made a halo around his face.
He shrugged and nodded. ‘Yes.’
‘Well then why does it matter what Elliot thinks?’
‘But I don’t want to look like a girl.’
‘But you don’t look like a girl. You and Daddy have the same hair and Daddy doesn’t look like a girl.’
‘Please, Mammy,’ he asked, pleading with his beautiful eyes that made it so hard to refuse him.
I was torn. I didn’t want my son feeling pressure to conform; I wanted him to be his own person, to boldly wear whatever clothes he wanted to wear, or sport whatever hairstyle he liked and not give a toss what anyone might think but I also knew that wasn’t life. I, more than anyone, understood that need to fit in. I had spent my whole childhood and teenage years too as the outsider looking in, desperate to belong. Although I wished he had the confidence to be his own person, he was five years old and no child wanted to be the odd one out. I didn’t want my son to be bullied because he was different from his friends but it was a fine line between wanting your child to fit in and giving in to bullies. It was so hard to know what was the right thing to do.
‘Me and Daddy will talk about it and we’ll see,’ I conceded.
‘Yes!’ he ran off excitedly, taking it as a win.
When we were alone again, I glanced at Jay, who looked devastated by the whole exchange. It was more than just hair – this was their thing – it represented their father and son bondand now Finn wanted to cast that aside and be independent from him.
‘What do you think?’ I asked.
‘If Finn wants to cut his hair, we can do that.’ He looked crushed. ‘But this whole thing with Elliot has gone too far.’
‘I know,’ I agreed. ‘But maybe we need to listen to Finn; if he wants to get his hair cut, shouldn’t it be his decision?’
‘Okay… I guess… we’ll bring him to the barbers.’
41
LIV
Finn dragged his hand along the saffron-coloured leaves of the Virginia creeper that was growing along the wall beside us while I held onto his other one as we walked home together from school. I knew we’d soon come to a stage when he would no longer want to hold my hand in public so for now, I was going to savour it while I still could. We were heading to the barbers to get his hair cut. Finn was excited to get rid of his long hair but my heart ached. He had only started school a few weeks ago and I had already noticed a big change in his personality. He was becoming more independent as he took small steps away from us and his classmates became more influential in his life.
‘How was school, love?’ I asked as we waited to cross at the pedestrian lights.
‘It was okay,’ he said, looking a little defeated.
I felt my chest tighten. ‘Did something happen?’
The little green man started to flash and we began to cross.
‘Well, Elliot was mean to me again.’
‘What happened now, sweetie?’
‘We were all playing tag in the yard but I catched him so then he pushed me so then I pushed him back because that’s whatDaddy tolded me to do but then he fell on the ground and started crying and he tolded teacher and I got in big trouble. Then teacher tolded me to say sorry and I saided no because he did it first and Daddy said I had to push him back if he pushed me first then she got really mad and then I hadded to sit on the bench for time out.’
‘Oh, honey, that’s awful.’ Had we made a mistake by telling Finn to fight back? I wondered. Jay’s advice, although well-intentioned, had inadvertently caused him to get into trouble. Maybe we needed to have a word with his teacher. Although I didn’t want to interfere in school discipline and I really didn’t want to be an overbearing parent, especially as he had only just started school, I also didn’t want him getting the blame for standing up for himself, especially as this wasn’t the first time that Elliot had lashed out at our son.
‘Well, if he does that again, you just walk away and tell him you don’t want to play with him any more until he starts playing nicely.’
‘But he’ll tell teacher on me,’ Finn protested.
‘If he does, you can explain to Ms Higgins that your mammy said that you don’t have to play with anyone who is being mean to you,’ I said defiantly.
