We exchanged a look over his head.Shit, I thought. This had gone too far now. We had been stringing him along, full of hope, and now if we weren’t going to give him what he wanted, Santa was the backup plan. My heart beat wildly and I felt the familiar panic wind itself even tighter around me.
‘R-really?’ Jay fumbled for a response. ‘Ehm, I’m not sure if Santa can bring babies, Finn.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because babies need a lot of care,’ I explained. ‘What if Santa delivered a baby to the wrong person or to a person who didn’t want to mind it?’
‘But we’d mind it and I’d help you and Daddy,’ he reasoned.
‘Look, Christmas is a long time away still. Mammy and I will try and talk about it soon,’ Jay said. ‘Night night, Finn.’
‘Goodnight, sweetie,’ I said as I folded the top of the duvet and tucked it beneath his chin, then we stood up from the side of his bed and crept out of the room.
‘Fuck,’ Jay whispered as we stood on the landing outside his door moments later. He rubbed his hands down over his face.
‘What are we going to do now?’ I sighed.
‘I honestly don’t know but we need to decide once and for all. It’s not fair to prolong it any more for him.’
The train was hurtling down the tracks towards me and I couldn’t run from it any longer. I needed to make my decision.
34
LIV
The next morning, I stood looking at my appearance in the mirror before I headed to the school with Finn. I was wearing my usual uniform of gym leggings with a baggy sweatshirt over it. It was the practical option when I spent my days running after Finn but lately, I was starting to wonder whether I should be making more of an effort with my clothes. Maya only wore gym gear when she was doing exercise whereas I wore it for comfort. And it hid a multitude of lumps and bumps; you never had to worry about your tummy looking too big or your jeans not buttoning up when you were in lycra.
I heard someone entering the room behind me and I turned away from the mirror. I saw Finn come in. He had dressed himself but his tie was askew and his shirt was buttoned up wrong.
‘You look like nobody’s child,’ I said, shaking my head and laughing at his appearance. I crouched down before him and began fixing his shirt and straightening his tie.
‘Am I fat, Mammy?’ he asked, taking in his appearance in the mirror.
‘Sorry?’ I said, sure I had heard him wrong.
‘Am I fat?’ he repeated. He pushed out his tummy in front of the mirror.
‘Hey, why are you asking that?’ I put my hand on his rounded tummy and pressed it back in.
‘Elliot keeps saying that I’m fat.’
‘Elliot in your class said that to you?’ I repeated in disbelief.
Finn nodded.
I tried to look at my son objectively. Perhaps he had got a little pudgy but it had crept up and I hadn’t noticed it until now. Me and Jay were both bigger people so genetics weren’t in his favour; however, it didn’t give Elliot the right to tease him about it.
‘You’re not fat, sweetie. So I don’t know why he said that,’ I reassured him, turning him away from the mirror. ‘If he does it again, you tell him that it’s not very nice to call people names. Now come on,’ I said, leading him by the hand. ‘Go get your coat and bag. We don’t want to be late for school.’
Finn skipped off to get his belongings and then we headed downstairs and set off. At the school, I bent down and kissed him goodbye and once he was safely inside the building, I turned for home. Across the car park, I saw Maya climbing up into her Range Rover, having just dropped Elliot off. She spotted me and waved over so I waved back.
I had managed to put the BBQ and then the incident with Jay in our kitchen yesterday out of my head but I wondered if I should mention to her what Finn had said to me this morning but how would I bring it up? And there was also the possibility that Finn had picked him up wrong; kids were forever getting their wires crossed or perhaps Finn had called Elliot names first.
‘Hi, Liv,’ Maya called out through the open window as I walked over towards her. ‘Glad we’re not the only ones running late. I had a nightmare morning with Elliot. He wouldn’t eat his breakfast, he wouldn’t get dressed. He screamed getting outof the car. He’s being really challenging at the moment.’ Tears pooled in her cool-blue eyes and I knew this was tough on her.
‘I’m sorry, that’s really stressful. Do you think there’s something bothering him?’
‘Where do I even start?’
