‘You tell me!’ I challenged.
‘I swear, I wasn’t watching this. It must have popped up.’
‘Don’t give me bullshit excuses.’
He put his palms up in self-defence. ‘He was begging me to play a game before I went upstairs – you know, the car game he likes – but I’ve no idea how he got onto that. I’m so sorry; I’m as horrified as you are. I honestly don’t know where it came from.’
‘Is this the kind of shit you watch?’ I hissed so that Elliot wouldn’t hear us. ‘Is this where you get your kicks from rather than sleeping with your own wife?’ I added bitterly.
His gaze darted to the tiles. ‘Of course not.’
‘Stop denying it.’
‘I’m not denying that I watch porn from time to time but it’s not stuff like this.’ He almost looked as disgusted as I was. ‘Come on, Maya, what do you take me for? I’m not an animal.’
‘So how did Elliot come across it then?’
‘I really don’t know but the Internet isn’t safe.’
I shook my head. ‘What if it has done him damage?’ I said, tears welling in my eyes. I spent my life protecting Elliot; I held his hand walking along the path, I put so much effort into cooking healthy, organic food for him, I made sure he watched age-appropriate programmes on TV and all the while, there was an even bigger danger lurking right inside the four walls of our own home and I hadn’t seen it coming.
‘I’m honestly so sorry,’ he said contritely. ‘I hate that he saw that on my phone. I’ll never let him near it again.’
I stabbed my index finger in his direction. ‘If this damages my son, then it’s all your fault.’
‘Ourson,’ Hugo repeated. ‘And believe me, Maya, I’m just as upset as you are.’
I turned away in disdain and saw Elliot standing there watching the whole thing.Oh God,I thought,I’ve just made everything worse.
‘Mummy, why are you fighting with Daddy?’ Elliot looked at both of us in confusion. ‘You are like the man and lady in the bad movie and I don’t like it; it’s scary.’
‘Oh, sweetheart,’ I said, bending down on my hunkers to his level. I couldn’t contain my tears any longer as they spilled down my face. ‘I’m so, so sorry for scaring you. Me and Daddy were just being silly.’
‘Yes, Elliot, it’s all okay; we’re just pretending.’ Hugo forced himself to smile as he got down onto the tiles and joined us in the hug and for an instant, as I enjoyed this rare moment of togetherness, I almost forgot.
33
LIV
After Maya had left and Jay had coaxed me round, he made a Sunday roast with all the trimmings, then we all curled up on the sofa and watched one of the Minion movies together with hot chocolate and lots of treats. As I took in my family, Finn giggling at the film, Jay fishing in the bowl for the Maltesers that we had mixed in through the popcorn, this simple happiness was all I ever wanted and I was so grateful for everything that we had. I put what had happened earlier with Maya out of my head, I felt a bit embarrassed now about how I had reacted if the truth be told. I knew Jay would never have deliberately flirted with her. I was just being jealous, letting all my old insecurities rise to the top.
At bedtime, we brought Finn upstairs and changed him into his pyjamas. We tucked him in and sat on the side of his bed as Jay began to read his story. I traced my fingertips in delicate circles over his forehead as he rhymed off the story with Jay. He knew this book off by heart and loved reading it aloud with us.
When he had finished, Jay closed the story book which Finn had insisted on reading twice. I kissed him on his forehead, his button nose, his cheeks, then Jay did the same until Finn was giggling uncontrollably.
‘Mammy and Daddy love you so much,’ Jay said. ‘Never forget that.’
‘Did you and Mammy talk about the baby yet?’ he asked hopefully.
I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling my heart twist inside.
‘Not yet, little man,’ Jay broached. ‘It’s a pretty big topic.’
‘It’s okay if you and Mammy can’t talk about it because I have a plan.’ He smiled.
‘You do?’ I asked, intrigued.
‘I’m going to ask Santa for a baby!’ he announced proudly.
