‘You okay?’ he asked as he handed me the mug.
‘Yeah. Just… tired,’ I said, taking it from him and cupping my palms around its warmth. ‘That was tough tonight.’
Jay nodded. ‘Yeah. It was.’
We both fell quiet.
‘I know you’re scared, Liv – I get that. I really do.’
‘I’m sorry I’m so weak.’ My voice quivered.
He looked stunned, then reached out to pull me in tight. ‘You’re not weak. You’re the strongest person I know.’
‘Yes, I am. I’ve always been this way. I shouldn’t be like this. I fell apart after Finn was born and now five years on and I still can’t get it together. Most women just get on with stuff like this but I’m a mess.’
Jay shook his head. ‘You’re not weak. You went through something really traumatic but you came through it and you’re the best mum to our son.’
We heard the sound of soft footsteps on the stairs. ‘Uh oh, I think somebody’s awake,’ Jay said then.
We waited as Finn entered the living room.
‘Mammy?’
‘Hey, sweetheart. What are you doing up?’
He was in his fleecy dinosaur pyjamas and rubbing his eyes.
‘I hadded a bad dream. A dinosaur was chasing me and he nearly catched me.’
Jay patted the sofa and he climbed up and cuddled into the space between us. ‘Oh, you poor little man. You don’t need to be scared; it was only a dream.’
‘Are you and Mammy talking about getting the baby?’
Jay made eyes at me over our son’s head.
I pushed the hair back off Finn’s forehead and stroked his porcelain skin.
‘That’s something Mammy and Daddy are still talking about, okay?’
He yawned loudly and curled into my neck. ‘It’s taking a long time.’ He let out a breathy sigh and slotted his thumb into his mouth.
‘I’ll take him back up to bed,’ Jay said as he started to doze off again.
‘What are we going to do?’ I sighed as Jay returned back downstairs a few minutes later.
‘We just have to keep talking, like Julia said.’
‘But now Finn is adding to the pressure I’m feeling.’
‘Look, he’s five. He’ll forget all about it soon enough and be onto the next thing.’
‘I hope so. I hate disappointing him.’
Jay placed his hand over mine. ‘Look, the most important thing is that we’re still in this together.’
‘Of course we are.’ I rested my head on his shoulder. ‘Even when it’s messy. Even when we don’t agree. It’s still you and me and you’re the only one I want to do this with.’
We both fell quiet and Jay picked up the remote and began flicking through the channels. We both got engrossed in a police drama and fell quiet as we watched the TV. For now, we had parked the issue but I knew it was only temporary and the argument would raise its ugly head once more.
