‘But he’ll get upset,’ I protested.
‘You’re not responsible for anyone else’s feelings, Liv. We can’t control how anyone else responds to things we do or say. If Jay gets upset, that’s his problem; you need to be true to yourself and if you’re worrying about everyone else’s feelings then you’re not addressing your own needs and that’s when resentment sets in. You need to communicate your needs clearly – not what anyone else expects of you, okay?’
I squeezed my eyes shut.
‘Go on, Liv,’ she encouraged. ‘Tell Jay how you’re feeling.’
I inhaled heavily. ‘The reason why I avoid it is because I always feel as though I’m disappointing you as I won’t come round to your way of thinking. I hate it.’
Julia nodded. ‘Well done, Liv, that was good.’
‘When Jay talks about having another baby,’ I went on, feeling braver now, ‘it’s not just pressure – I feel panic. The thought of going back to those early days of Finn and then the postnatal depression that followed terrifies me. I’m only juststarting to come out of it now; what if that happens again and I lose evenmoreof myself?’
‘Good, Liv, that’s really great work; keep going,’ Julia encouraged.
‘I barely recognise myself back then. I’m scared. Not because I don’t love you, or our son. But because I don’t know if I can survive it again.’
‘I hear what you’re saying but I’ll support you, Liv.’
‘But I don’t think you do hear me; you’re listening but you’re nothearingme.’
‘And you’re not hearing me when I say that it’s important to me that we give Finn a sibling!’ His voice climbed higher.
I felt tears pulse in my eyes. I wanted that for Finn too. I wanted him to have a football team of siblings, to always have someone to turn to if he needed them, but things hadn’t worked out that way for us and I had come to realise that I might never be able to give him that. ‘This!’ I cried. ‘This is why I hate discussing it because every time I try, you look so disappointed and I feel like the worst wife and mother ever. Like I’m crushing your dream of the perfect family – mum, dad, two kids and a white picket fence and now apparently, I’m also ruining Finn’s childhood!’
‘I didn’t say that,’ Jay barked back.
Julia spoke. ‘Okay, Liv, I know you’re upset,’ she said calmly. ‘So I can see there’s a pattern here. Liv, when you protect yourself, you tend to shut Jay out. Jay, when you push forward, it feels like pressure to Liv. Neither of you is wrong. But you’re not speaking the same emotional language.’
We both fell quiet, letting the weight of what Julia said sink in.
‘This isn’t something you solve in one conversation. But youaretalking now. That’s a start. What matters is learning how tosay, “My opinion matters” and also, “I understand why it might be difficult for you.” Both can be true. And both deserve space.’
I reached out to grab a tissue from the box on the coffee table. I blew into it. Jay reached out for my hand and squeezed it. And although we had our differences, I was once again grateful for this man who I knew loved me dearly despite everything.
‘I think we’ll leave it there for tonight. That’s good work, both of you. There’s more under the surface. But this – this is progress.’
22
MAYA
The days after the launch went by with Hugo and I barely exchanging a word with one another. He had spent the weekend playing golf, leaving Elliot and I to hang out by ourselves. When I did see him, he continued to ignore me. I swung between crushing loneliness and brutal bitterness that he was putting me through this torture. He was making me pay the price for whatever it was that I was supposed to have done by keeping me in this self-imposed hell. I continually wracked my brain, desperately trying to remember what had taken place at the launch but despite everything, there was no way I would give him the satisfaction of asking him outright what had happened. And whatever it was that I was supposed to have done, it was allhisfault – he had driven me to it, he had been the one who had been flirting and carrying on with Kelly. It was no wonder I may have got upset and drunk too much. I was only human.
No one was more surprised than me when Hugo arrived home from the office early on Tuesday evening. I had assumed I was going to go for our session with Julia on my own. I was even looking forward to having a chance to talk to her by myself and to say whatever I wanted without worrying about what Hugowould think. Where I could get all my suppressed rage and pent-up frustration off my chest. I was worried that once I started, I might never stop.
‘Are you going to our session tonight?’ I asked him as he unknotted his tie in the kitchen.
‘I’m home, aren’t I?’ he snapped, freeing the knot and pulling the tie loose. It was the most he had said to me since the previous Thursday. I don’t think I had ever been more surprised in our ten years together; why would he barely say two words to me all week and then want to go to marriage counselling together? I couldn’t figure out why he stayed with me; we slept in separate bedrooms, he gave me the silent treatment, he appeared to hate me on a daily basis and yet he continued to attend our therapy sessions. Most people would say that on some level, he must want the marriage to work but with Hugo, I could tell he was playing a bigger game.
After Lauren had arrived to mind Elliot, we sat into his car and wordlessly drove towards Julia’s office.
When we climbed the stairs and entered the waiting room, we saw Liv and Jay coming out before us and we all nodded awkwardly to one another. I wasn’t sure if we should stop to chat but I guessed no one wanted to hang around here any longer than necessary so they quickly headed on and it wasn’t long before Julia called us in.
‘Good to see you both. How have you been?’ she asked.
Neither of us spoke.
‘Okay, then,’ she said picking up on our reticence. ‘So the last time we spoke, I had told you both to try and prioritise some time for yourselves, to go on a walk or a date, whatever you were comfortable with. Were you able to do this?’ she asked.
