As we said goodbye to my mum, who was minding Finn for us, anxiety rose up my throat until I couldn’t breathe. I sat into the car, resigned to my fate. Autumn was starting to make its presence felt with the dark evenings setting in. As wedrove through the dimly lit, shadowy streets, the half-light gave everywhere an eerie feel.
When we arrived outside the building, Jay parked the car and we both climbed out. I shivered in the cool evening air. Neither of us said anything as we waited to be buzzed in. When the door clicked open, we climbed the stairs to Julia’s office. As we made our way up, I could smell some kind of cloying spice from an incense burner that only served to heighten my sense of unease. We went inside to the waiting area and after a moment, Julia came out to greet us. We followed her into her room which was softly lit by lamplight.
We sat down in our usual chairs as Julia took her seat adjacent to us.
‘Welcome back.’ She smiled, flattening her skirt across her knees before placing her palms face down on her lap. ‘How have you both been?’
‘Good,’ Jay said.
‘Yeah, great,’ I replied, detecting a churlish note in my own voice.
She steepled her hands together. ‘Great, well, we’ll get started then. So, how have you two been getting on? Have you managed to talk any more about Finn’s birth?’
We both squirmed. We had avoided the issue as usual.
‘We didn’t really get around to it,’ Jay admitted, looking sheepish.
‘Finn started school recently,’ I added. ‘So, it’s been busy…’
‘Oh, that’s a big milestone. How is he getting on?’
Jay spoke. ‘So far so good, thankfully.’
‘How’ve you been feeling about it, Liv?’
‘I guess, it’s been a funny one. I’m happy to see him moving on and starting out on this new adventure but it’s made me think a lot…’ I ventured.
Jay fixed his gaze on me as he wondered what I was about to say.
‘Think about what?’ Julia probed.
‘Well, how fast time is going, for starters. How lucky we are that Finn is happy going in every morning. We’ve so much to be grateful for.’ From the corner of my eye, I could see Jay smiling at me. ‘But I think it’s made me even more scared.’
‘Scared of what, Liv?’
‘To tempt fate, to risk what we have by having another baby.’
‘Good work, Liv. Thank you for sharing that,’ Julia said. ‘I’d really like us to focus on communication – not just what you’re saying, but what’s underneath it. It’s an area I’ve noticed that you’re both struggling with. So, Liv has just told us that she’s scared.’ Julia turned to Jay. ‘Jay, would you be willing to share something you’ve been struggling with? And Liv, I want you to listen, then reflect what you heard. Does that sound okay?’
I nodded.
Jay cleared his throat. ‘Ehm, okay… well, I keep trying to talk about having another baby, but every time I bring it up, Liv shuts it down. She just won’t discuss it; she’d do anything else except talk about our problems. And now our son Finn has started asking questions about babies – you know, the usual ones five-year-olds ask:Where do they come from? How do you know if you’ve a baby in your tummy?I think one of the boys in his class’s mum is pregnant and it’s been on his mind.’
‘I see,’ Julia said. ‘And when Finn asks these questions, Liv, how do you respond to him?’
‘All kids go through a phase of asking questions like that; he’s just curious.’
‘But, Liv, last week, he asked if we can get a new baby too,’ Jay went on. ‘And I felt really sorry for him because he has no one to play with.’
I looked down at the floorboards. ‘Plenty of kids are only children,’ I replied. ‘It’s not like he’s the only one in his class. We’ll just have to organise more play dates for him.’
Jay sighed. ‘I guess I just think that my feelings about it all aren’t being taken into account because I’m a man. Liv is making this decision for both of us – actually, for the three of us, if you include what Finn wants too.’
‘He’s five,’ I snapped. ‘He doesn’t know what he wants.’
‘Well, all I’m saying is that he wants a sibling.’
‘Liv, I know you find confrontation difficult but could you try to articulate how this makes you feel? You can’t keep running away from the discussion or it becomes the elephant in the room. I want you to turn to Jay now and tell him how you really feel. Be honest.’
