I press my lips together, more tears coming to my eyes. “It, uh, it turned into something when we were here. I wasn’t expecting it, but yeah, there are feelings between us.”
“Then why are you crying?” he asks.
“Because I’m scared,” I answer honestly. “I put my whole heart into my marriage, but I was ignored. My needs were ignored. He wasn’t interested in me, and it did a number on my confidence. When I moved to New York, I was trying to start a new journey, a new chapter, but I realized that it was pretty hard with all the baggage I was carrying. Wilder, he opened my eyes to that baggage and had me face it head-on with him by my side. He made me see my worth and made me stand up for myself. He’s been so different from Matt, and that…that scares me, because I can see myself growing attached?—”
“But you don’t want to get hurt again,” Chad finishes for me.
“I can’t get hurt again,” I say softly. “I’m still so raw, and Wilder previously told me he’s not in a position to know what he wants when it comes to relationships and dating, but he wants to try.”
“But you’re too scared to try when you know you already have an attachment.”
“Correct,” I say, surprised that Chad gets it so well.
“It’s hope,” he says. “It’s debilitating, because when it doesn’t work out, you have to be the one that sits in that crushed hope and figure out how to swim your way out. I get it. I’m there right now. Coming here, to a place we loved before, I had all the hope in the world that we would make things work, but I just don’t think that’s going to happen.” He sighs. “I’m really sorry.”
“I’m sorry too,” I say and then put my arm around him and rub his back. “And I’m sorry I lied. I’ll come clean to everyone.”
“No, don’t,” he says. “This can stay between you and me. I get why you did it. We haven’t made it easy for you to fit in at the office.”
“Yeah, but I can’t keep up this farce. People will ask.”
“So are you saying you’re not going to at least give it a shot with Wilder? Because there has to be something there, right?”
“There is,” I say. “I’ve never been treated the way he treats me, and I know he’s genuine, because he’s not the kind of man who would blow smoke up my ass, but he’s also two years younger and doesn’t quite know what he wants, and I can’t be his guinea pig, you know?”
“I get that.”
I pull my legs in close. “It feels so weird talking to you about this, but I just think…I think I need to come clean. As I’m hearing you talk about you and your wife, it makes me think I shouldn’t give out false hope. And I know everyone is different, and I truly hope that you and Danielle work things out, but Wilder and I shouldn’t be the ones that people look up to.”
“I understand,” he says.
And then we sit there in silence for a moment, both of us staring out at the lake.
“If you ever want to chat about this some more, Chad, you can always come into my office.”
“Same, Scottie. Same.”
“Is everything okay?” Sanders asks as I take a deep breath.
I asked Sanders, Ellison, and Wilder to meet with me in the therapy cabin. I haven’t seen Wilder since I left our session, so when he came up to me, looking concerned, I felt incredibly guilty. But this needs to be done.
“Um, no, not really.” I twist my hands on my lap, feeling really nervous and hoping this doesn’t affect me and my job. “I need to come clean about something.” I feel Wilder stiffen next to me, but I keep pushing forward. “When I told the office that I was married and that my husband and I were going through some rough times, I lied.”
Ellison sits up straight, looking confused.
“Wilder is my best friend’s brother, who is into improv and volunteered to act as my husband.”
“What?” Sanders says, looking confused.
“What are you doing?” Wilder asks me under his breath.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I say and then address Ellison. “I’m sorry I lied. I wanted to feel like I was a part of the company and the marriage clique. I tried to fit in like an idiot, and well, you see how that went. The truth is I was married to a man named Matt, and we couldn’t make it work. All the things I told you in our sessions, Sanders, those were things about Matt. All the struggles I faced, the lack of confidence, they all derived from my first marriage. Wilder was just kind enough to go along for the ride and take the brunt of all my complaints.”
“I see,” Sanders says as he leans back in his chair and studies us.
“I’m really sorry, Ellison, and I know if you want to hold this against me, I understand. Lying does not belong in the workplace. I want you both to know that this was all on me and not on Wilder.”
“No,” Wilder says. “I played an equal part.”
