And just like that, guilt consumes me. So he didn’t think we were faking it? He really believed me and Wilder?
How?
He made it seem like he was on to something.
And now he wants advice?
How can I sit here and give this man advice when I’m the one with a failed marriage?
I’m the one who couldn’t turn it around.
I’m the one who couldn’t muster up enough interest from her husband to even try.
“I know that we haven’t really gotten along, and I know it’s because I’ve been frustrated, and I took that frustration out on you unjustly. I was jealous. I was out of my mind, trying to hold it together, and unfortunately, you were the one I decided to take my anger out on. I’m really sorry, Scottie. I’ve been…hell, I’ve been incredibly shitty to you.”
More tears well up in my eyes, and I let them fall, hitting my shorts, because I know that feeling. I know what he’s going through, those thoughts of helplessness, yet he’s coming to me for advice.
“Shit, I’m sorry, Scottie. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
I shake my head. “It’s not you. It’s me.”
This is all on me.
“Are…are things with you and Wilder not going well?”
“No, they are,” I say as the truth bubbles up inside me. It’s the guilt. It’s the uncertainty. It’s Chad thinking that I’m some sort of perfect person who can revive a dying marriage, when in reality, I’m just a fraud. And before I can stop myself, I say, “Things with Wilder are just…they’re not real.”
He pauses for a second and then asks, “Wait…really?”
I nod.
“So all of this…it was…it was a farce?”
I cover my face and let out a small sob, shaking my head. “God, I’m so stupid.”
Gingerly, he pats my back, and I take that as his uncomfortable way of trying to comfort me. But he shouldn’t have to be comforting me, because this is all a lie. My entire relationship with Wilder, it’s been a lie, and I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but now that Chad is coming to me for advice on how to fix his marriage, I can see it’s very much a big deal. Because I don’t want people getting the wrong impression about me and Wilder, thinking that maybe some communication can solve things, because that’s not true at all.
I tried communicating with Matt.
And look where I am now…at a marriage camp with a fake husband, learning that there are actually good men out there.I had just married a dud.
Despite a slight concern this could backfire on me, I decide honesty is better for Chad. It’s time to be honest all around. That’s probably the best way to step forward.
“Wilder is not my husband,” I say. “He’s my best friend’s brother. He came with me here to pretend to be my husband. The fighting, the arguing, it was all a farce.” I turn to look atChad through watery eyes. “I was trying to fit in at work, and when you called me out in the conference room, I…I just felt like I needed to save face, so I went along with the lie. I’m so sorry, Chad. It was stupid, and I shouldn’t have made you think that my marriage could be so easily fixed when that’s not the case at all. Because the reality is I was married to a man named Matt, and we couldn’t work it out. I carry that guilt with me every day, something I didn’t realize until I came here. So yeah, don’t come to me for marriage advice, because my marriage failed.”
Silence falls between us, and I don’t blame him. What can he really say to that?
“Wow,” he says, and I brace myself for the snide comments, for the victory parade that he’s in the right and I’m in the wrong, but instead, he turns toward the lake and says, “I’m sorry, Scottie.”
“What?” I say, wiping at my eyes.
“I’m sorry. I know what it feels like to have your marriage slip through your fingers, watching it slowly float away, and no matter what you do, you can’t do anything about it. I’m really fucking sorry.”
Umm, wow. Was not expecting that. Chad taking the high road. I’m…I’m shocked.
“Thank you,” I answer softly. “I’m sorry about you and your wife. Matt and I never tried to get pregnant, and I think it’s because when we were ready, we both kind of knew that it wasn’t something that would help the marriage, only hinder it, so I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”
“Yeah, it’s not easy.” He blows out a heavy breath and then lightly chuckles. “You know, at first, I thought that maybe something was up, something was fishy, but then the more I watched you, the more I pushed that thought away. And to be honest, you had me fooled. I could have sworn you and Wilderwere married. The way you two interact together, how he looks at you…it seems real, at least from the outside.”
