“Lower than normal,” the doctor says.
Panic swallows me whole as I glance at Theo. “What . . . uh, what does that mean?”
With a worried look in his eyes, Theo says, “It means you’ll have a hard time getting Lilly pregnant.”
Fuck.
My throat immediately tightens.
I’m not good enough.
She could do better with someone else.
I’ll never be able to live up to the expectations that coincide with marrying Lilly.
I’m letting Theo down.
I choke back my emotions the best that I can, but it feels near impossible as I realize exactly what this means.
I can’t marry her.
Tears spring to my eyes fromthatrealization, and I clench my teeth, attempting to hold back my disappointment. No, this isn’t disappointment.This is agony.I understand grief, I’ve lived through it before. But this level of heartbreak is something I never thought I’d experience again. This...there is no word to describe this.
I nod. “I understand.” I ball my hands together and lean forward. “How, uh . . . how should we proceed?” A tear from my despair falls down my cheek, and I try to nonchalantly brush it away, but Theo sees it.
“Dr. Johansen, I believe we’re good for now. I’ll call you if we need anything else.”
Dr. Johansen stands, knowing exactly when he’s been dismissed. “Of course.” He bows to Theo and then he leaves the office, giving me and Theo much-needed privacy.
“Fuck,” I say as more tears stream down my cheeks. I keep my head turned down to hide the pain ripping through me.
Because this is the end.
This is it.
If I can’t get Lilly pregnant, then what fucking good am I?
“I . . . I feel like I can’t breathe,” I say as I gasp for air.
Theo, as quick as he can, makes his way around his desk and pulls up the other chair next to mine. His warm palm falls to my back as he comforts me.
“I love her, Theo. I can’t fucking let go of her.” I turn my head and through watery eyes, I ask, “Am I going to have to let her go?”
Theo lets out a sigh and shakes his head.
“What?” I ask, sitting taller. “Are you serious?”
“Yes,” he says and then clears his throat, his voice sounding tight as well. “Dr. Johansen didn’t say it was impossible, just that it will be difficult. And no way will I be able to tell Lilly or you, for that matter, that you can’t marry. I’ll lose both of you, and that’s not something I can stomach.”
“But . . .” I swallow down the lump in my throat. “What if I can’t get her pregnant?”
“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.”
I appreciate his confidence in the matter, but I know what’s at stake here, so I level with him. “Theo, it is my job to provide her an heir. After Lilly, no one takes the crown, so if she doesn’t have a kid, then the country goes to Arkham. Is that something you can stomach?”
Theo sits back in his chair and presses his hand to his forehead. “Like I said, that’s something we can think about—”
“Please excuse me for cutting in, Theo, but it’s not something we can think about later on. It’s something to decide now. I can’t marry Lilly on the off chance that I can provide an heir.”
