“You sure as hell can’t call off the wedding,” he says. “That’ll break her. She will leave. And we’ll lose to Arkham anyway.”
“Then what the hell do we do?”
Theo thinks on it for a moment, pinching his brow. After a few seconds, he says, “IVF or sperm donation.”
“What?” I ask.
Theo sits back in his chair and says, “If you can’t get her pregnant naturally or through IVF, then we’ll have to find a sperm donor.” A donor . . . someone else to fulfill my duty. Rejection consumes me, and I can feel this sense of blackness start to take over, starting at the tips of my toes and traveling up my legs, all the way to my hollow heart. “Talk to me, Keller. What’s going on in your head?”
I work my jaw, side to side, my entire worth crackling, tumbling to the ground in a matter of seconds.
A sperm donor.
I know it’s the logical thing to do, but there’s something about my wife carrying someone else’s child that doesn’t settle well. And yes, the child will know me as the father, but that doesn’t negate the fact that I wasn’t able to do my job.
Although, pushing aside the emotions of it all, it’s logical. It’s the solution. A solution that digs a black hole in the depths of my heart.
“Keller . . .”
I make eye contact with Theo and wipe at my nose before saying, “There’s the solution.” I stand from the chair and say, “I’ll inform Lilly.”
“I don’t think that’s necessary,” Theo says. “You don’t want to stress her out.”
“I’m not about to marry the woman holding on to this information. It will be an out for her, if she wants to take it.”
“Keller.” Theo walks up to me, placing his hand on my shoulder. “This is not a moment to be a hero. If you’re not okay with this—”
“I don’t have a choice,” I say. “It’s either keep the option of a sperm donor open or say goodbye to Lilly. The latter isn’t an option, not where I’m concerned.”
“But will you be bitter about it?”
“Yes,” I answer honestly. “If I can’t get Lilly pregnant, then I’ll damn well know I haven’t lived up to the job entrusted to me. It won’t settle well. I won’t be bitter about the situation. I’ll be bitter toward myself. I knew I wasn’t supposed to be in this position, and this is a stark example of why.”
“Your job is to love, protect, and serve Lilly,” Theo says.
“And generate offspring. You even said it yourself. If I can’t do that, then I’m not serving this country.”I won’t be loving Lilly how she needs it either.I know she loves kids. I saw that as clear as day at the playschool event.But for her to get that, they won’t be mine.None of my bloodline will be continued. It seems I’m even failing my parents. Again.But Theo’s right, and I’ve always trusted in his wisdom. If I leave Lilly now, she will most likely leave Torskethorpe.
What if I wait until after she’s been enthroned? Arkham wouldn’t win then...
I start to move away, but Theo calls out my name. “Keller.” When I look at him over my shoulder, he says, “Don’t let this make a mark on your special day. You never know . . . when it’s the right time, you might still fulfill your duties.”
Eyes on his, I say, “Only time will tell.”
ChapterTen
LILLY
Keller:Where are you?
Lilly:In my room. Just got changed and I’m about to watch some Harry Styles concert videos. What are you doing?
Keller:I need to speak with you.
Lilly:Okay, are you coming to my room or do you want to meet me somewhere?
Keller:I’ll come to you.
I set my phone down and look up at the door. Why do I have this feeling that whatever he’s going to talk to me about isn’t going to be good?
