“How do you want me to do better?”
“Talk to me,” she begs. “Tell me what the hell is going on in your head because you’re starting to scare me.”
“Scare you how?” I ask, rubbing my hand over her knuckle.
“Like . . . like you would run out on our wedding, not show up, like this is all too much for you.”
“I would never do that,” I respond with certainty. “You’re mine, Lilly. We will be married. Nothing in this world will take that away from happening.”
She moves in closer so her leg presses against mine. “Promise me.”
“I promise,” I say, cupping her cheek. “Nothing will prevent me from walking down that aisle with you.” Another tear falls down her cheek, and this time, I wipe it away. “I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t want to say anything to you because there’s a lot going on, but I’ve had some nightmares recently and they’ve hit harder than I care to admit. They’ve thrown me off.”
“What?” she asks, concern growing in her expression. “Like the one you had in Harrogate?”
I nod. “Yeah. I, uh . . . that’s why I didn’t want to talk to Elias about my family. It’s why I’ve been tense lately. Just a lot of memories that aren’t sitting well.”
“Keller, you need to tell me these things.”
“I know.”
She runs her hand up my chest and then straddles my lap.God, I’ve missed this woman.This. Us. Our sexual relationship. I’ve missed this. Being close to her, loving on her...getting lost in her.
“Lilly,” I say softly. “We can’t . . .”
“I won’t,” she says as she cups either side of my neck. “I just need to be close to you.” She leans in and presses a kiss to my cheek. “I’m here for you, for whatever you need.”
“I should be the one who’s helping you,” I say, feeling inadequate.
“It goes both ways. You don’t always have to be the hero.”
“I’m not trying to be a hero. I’m just trying to be the man you need, the man you deserve. Showing weakness is not a part of that.”
“Showing weakness is what makes you human, Keller.”
There’s a knock on the door right before it opens to reveal Runa. When she catches the position Lilly is in, she offers a very disapproving sneer.
“What are you doing?” she asks.
“Don’t worry,” Lilly says, “we were just talking. That’s it. Nothing to worry about.”
“Okay, well, I need to get you ready for bed.”
“Go on,” I say while placing a kiss on her cheek. “I should retreat to my room anyway.”
I stand, but Lilly joins me and grips my shirt. Speaking quietly, she says, “We’re not done talking about this, okay? I’ll text you.”
“Okay.” I press a kiss to her lips and move away. “Have a good night, Runa.”
“You too,” Runa says before closing the door behind me.
Feeling exhausted, I move down the hallway, past the three bedrooms that separate me from Lilly, and into my room. Draped in sapphire fabric and opulent furniture, my room feels more like a museum than a place that I would call home.
If I were to be honest, I miss my room back in the quarters. I miss the simplicity of it. Staying in this room, in the palace without Lilly by my side, makes me feel like an imposter, like I don’t belong. Despite how much Theo, Katla, and Lilly tell me that I belong, I’m not sure that feeling will ever go away. It’s not how I was raised. Being a prince was not how I pictured my future . . .
Jesus Christ, if only my parents were alive to see what was happening.
What would they say?
