“Yeah, well, it’s hard for us both, Keller. You’re not the only one having a difficult time with all of this.”
“I know, but—”
“But nothing.” She shakes her head out of frustration. “What’s crazy to me is that you acted like everything was fine when we met up with Theo, Katla, and Adela. What changed?”
Yeah, what changed?
My past is knocking on my door, wanting to be invited to the conversations.
The pressure from Theo, the frank talk we had in his bedchamber.
Not to mention, Elias seems to have some sort of vendetta against me.
The control I like to have is slipping from my fingers.
I don’t want to tell her about the conversation I had with Theo because that was a private moment with him. Bringing up Elias might be a sore subject, so I go with the last option. “I don’t like people diving into my past, knowing things about me that should be kept private. That makes me uncomfortable. And with every new interview, every new appointment and outing, I can feel that control I have over my history start to slip.”
“Keller, there’s no avoiding it, people are going to find out about you. Have you not seen the tabloids in America? Someone always finds a way to dig out information about a person. That’s how it works. Unfortunately, that’s what happens when you’re tossed into the spotlight.” She shifts as well, facing me more. “And when you came to apologize to me after we first broke up, you sat on this very settee and told me that you could handle this relationship. That you could be the man I need. Are you changing your mind?”
“No,” I say, dragging my hand over my face in frustration. “That’s not what I’m trying to say.”
“Then what are you trying to say? Because all I learned today was that you value Theo more than you value me, and perhaps . . . perhaps maybe we aren’t as close as I thought we were.” Her voice tightens, and she looks away, but that doesn’t prevent me from seeing the tears welling in her eyes.
“Lilly, stop,” I say, reaching for her hand, but she steals it away, keeping it close to her body. “We’re close. And I don’t value Theo over you. You’re the love of my goddamn life.”
“Yet you’re not telling me everything.”
“I told you, I was going to talk to you after we got back from our class with Elias. How many times do I have to say that? You just couldn’t wait.”
“Or maybe, you should have told me about your parents before we even left. Of all people, you must have known which places were options for the ceremony. You know this land and its traditions. So you had time to talk to me about this. If I’d known Norse Temple had a deep-rooted connection for youbeforewe went, I wouldn’t have even gone to see the sanctuary. But you’re keeping these details to yourself and then throwing out your alpha, controlling attitude in front of everyone else. All that’s doing is pissing me off.”
“I . . . I didn’t want to bring it up. Katla was the one who forced me to say something.”
She slowly nods. “And that’s supposed to make me feel better how? I should know everything about you, Keller, but ever since we got engaged, it’s like you’ve become this closed book, and I don’t get it.”
“I’m protecting you,” I say. “Shielding you from trivial things—”
“Getting married in the same temple where you farewelled your parents is not trivial, Keller. That’s pretty monumental. And it hurts me that you don’t think I would want to know that.”
“You have enough on your plate.”
“Why don’t you let me be the one who decides that?” She leans in. “And yes, I have a lot on my plate, but do you know what always comes first in my life?” She pokes my chest. “You. You will always and forever come first. Over this country, over this responsibility that rests on my shoulders. You, Keller. You matter more to me than anything.”
I glance away, staring down at my hands in my lap because I don’t know how to respond to that. I’ve never had anyone so passionately love me like Lilly, and sometimes, it takes my breath away, confuses me, sends me into a whirlwind of disorientation. It’s just been so long since I’ve had such...focusedlove. Perhaps that’s the downfall of having...then losingsuch wonderful parents.
“Did you hear me?” Lilly, the feistiest girl I’ve ever met, pokes me again. “You matter more to me than anything.”
“Yes,” I answer.
“Then respond. Christ, Keller.”
When I look up at her, I feel at a loss of words. “I . . . I don’t know what to say.”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe that I come first in your mind as well. Maybe thank you. Maybe something along the lines of I’m sorry, Lilly, for making this difficult. I’ll try better.”
I sigh and reach for her hand. This time, she lets me take it. “I’m sorry, Lilly. I’ll do better.”
“How will you do better?” she asks. I should have known it wouldn’t be that easy.
