“Oh, I’m very serious. I believe it’s section three, line five where it states the definitive guidelines,” I say. “I signed up for this dating app, and I expect to get the full experience.” I flash her a grin that I know irritates her more than anything.
“Everything okay here?” the hostess asks, coming up to us.
“Everything is great,” I answer.
“No, everything is not great,” Kelsey says. “There must have been some mistake with the algorithm and the matching, because I know this man, and let me tell you, I can say with full confidence that we’re not a match.”
“Oh, how interesting. I don’t think we’ve ever had this happen before.”
“Ah, wonderful. So you can imagine how we’d just like to move on from this ill-fated inconvenience and go on our way.”
The hostess shakes her head. I can practically hear the agonized, inner howling from Kelsey, as if this is her own personal doomsday. “I’m so sorry, but unfortunately, you have to stay and enjoy a meal together. It’s part of the terms.”
“But I said I know him.” Kelsey frantically jabs her hand in my direction.
Point all you want, lady, not going to help.
“And I don’t like him. I don’t need to have a meal with him to figure that out.”
“You wound me,” I whisper playfully in her ear. She swats me away with an unexpected flick of her wrist. Whoa, almost got a fingernail to the eyeball.
“Do you see what I’m dealing with? Trust me, you don’t want us sharing a meal together, it’ll distract the other people around us. All we do is bicker.”
“Then we’ll give you one of our new private tables in the loft area.” The hostess smirks and then nods toward the stairs to the right. “Right this way.”
“You can’t be serious,” Kelsey says.
“Looks like sheisserious,” I say, pressing my hand to her lower back and guiding her forward.
“You’re really going to make me have dinner with him?”
The hostess doesn’t answer, she just keeps walking, and I keep pushing Kelsey forward, a smile on my face the entire time. Here I thought the night was going to be a complete bust, but it’s turned into a night in which I’m very interested in taking part.
“This is ridiculous. I shouldn’t be held against my will.”
We walk up the stairs.
“This program is a load of crock if you think I should be matched with JP. Did you even do a background check?”
We reach the loft, a private space draped in white linen curtains and twinkle lights. There’s one table in the middle, surrounded by an ambiance suited only for intimate lovers, two people tangling in each other’s lives with romantic interludes, long, drawn-out stories of childhood, and far-off fantasies of what their future might look like together.
And then there’s me and Kelsey, the angry porcupine, rearing up her quills and ready to impale me at her first chance.
This sensual room dripping in fairy-tale potential is about to get a show.
“There’s nothing romantic between us, nothing at all. Why is this happening?” she drones on.
The hostess holds out a basket with a sign that so eloquently reads “Unplug and be present” and shakes it at us, clearly and wordlessly stating we must deposit our lifelines within.
I plop my phone in because, if anything, I’m an excellent rule follower.
Panic sweeps through Kelsey’s eyes as she stares down at the basket. “What if I have an important phone call that comes in? What if I need my sister to fake a broken ankle so I can leave?”
At least she’s honest, but it does nothing to dissuade the hostess, and with a feral groan only heard through the depths of a dark, dank night, Kelsey puts her phone in the basket with mine.
Next, we’re shown to our table, parallel to a quaint stone fireplace offering an orange glow for a very romantic evening... with the priggish she-wolf.
“Your server’s name is Helix. He’ll be joining you shortly. Please let us know if you need anything,” the hostess says before pulling out both chairs for us.
